Writing ielts task 2 - education

[thaodang119]

Dear my leader,
I make sure that this is the worse essay I’ve ever written. I have no idea about the topic and vocab. Please help me check this essay. Thank you so much

It is observed that in many countries not enough students are choosing to study science subject.

What are causes ? And what will be effects on society.

A shortage of students choosing to pursue science sector is a prevalent phenomenon in several countries. This problem occurs due to some reasons, and of course, this might have adverse impacts on the advancement of society.

To begin with, there are many reasons why students are disinterest in science subject. First, science is obviously a difficult for student to learn since it contains many abstract theories, formulations, and calculations that force students to remember, and they tend to spend most of their time sitting in a laboratory and doing assignments. Second, the teaching science subject in class is applied in wrong ways, as students study this subject mostly in textbooks and having merely several exciting experiments. Third, in fact, employers want to employ well-rounded graduates to work in the sector of science, thus, students seem to put a strain on themselves to get high scores in this subject since this help them to acquire highly-paid jobs after graduating. As a result, science subjects are no longer an attractive field for students.

Next, society is affected because of the above problem. There are fewer students to decide to study science, which will lead to a shortage of scientifically capable workforce in the future. This will prevent the development of society and improvement in standard of living because inventions and research become fewer. A lack of scientists in medical field, for example, is unable to find out many cures for cancers or serious diseases.

In conclusion, the causes of this phenomenon mainly rely on the teaching way in class and employment opportunities in the future, and the effect will suppress the development of these countries in the long term.

[Luschen]

Hi Thao Dang, I think you are being too hard on yourself; you have written much much worse essays than this one!
(That was a little joke! No bad essays on this forum, only room for improvement, right? } But seriously, when you say “I have made sure that this is the worst essay I’ve ever written.”, it means you have tried to write poorly. Hopefully you mean “I am sure that this is the worst essay I’ve ever written.” Even that must be wrong, because this essay is not that bad. You have addressed the prompt perfectly. As you have written, this is a two part essay, more specifically a cause and effect essay. Your first body paragraph has correctly given the cause of this phenomenon and your second body paragraph has given the effects of this phenomenon. The first two causes were excellent and very convincing. Your third cause was confusing to me though. I think a better argument would be that employees in science careers are not being rewarded enough to justify all their hard work. Students struggle years to get advanced science degrees and then it is the businessmen and the company owners who end up profiting from their inventions and discoveries. I think something like that would be a clearer cause. Your effects paragraph was on target, but just seemed a little short and underdeveloped. Your ideas were good, you just needed a couple more sentences showing how much our economy and ease of life depend on new scientific discoveries and inventions. Here are some other specific suggestions:

@thaodang119

A shortage of students choosing to pursue [the] science sector {sector is ok for a part of the economy, but here in an educational context, “field” or “area of study” is better} is a prevalent phenomenon in several countries. This problem occurs due to [particular] some For some reason - Idioms by The Free Dictionary reasons, and of course, this might have adverse impacts on the advancement of society.

To begin with, there are many reasons why students are [disinterested] in science [subjects]. First, science is obviously a difficult [topic] for [students] to learn {or just "is obviously difficult for students to learn] since it contains many abstract theories, formulations, and calculations that force students to remember, {I think “… calculations that students are forced to remember” is more accurate} and they tend to spend most of their time {maybe stress the amount of time to show how difficult it is - “spend hours and hours sitting …”} sitting in a laboratory and doing assignments. Second, the teaching [of] science [subjects] in class is [done] applied in wrong [dull and uninspiring] {“wrong” is vague - try to be more descriptive - wrong in what way? } ways, as students study this subject mostly [through] textbooks and having merely several [rarely get the chance to apply their knowledge by performing] exciting experiments. {your phrasing was confusing and “several” was too positive - “several exciting experiments” sounds pretty good to this science guy! } Third, {personally, I don’t really like the first, second, third transitions - it sounds a little too repetitive and uncreative - using one of these is fine, but I would avoid using all three} in fact, employers want to employ well-rounded graduates to work in the sector of science[. Thus], students seem to put a strain on themselves to get high scores in this subject since this [will] help them to acquire highly-paid jobs after graduating. {this reason was confusing to me - a “well rounded” science graduate would mean one who has other skills and knowledge besides just science. Why would the fact that students who get high scores in science can get high paid jobs make science less attractive? It sounds like you are arguing the opposite!} As a result, science subjects are no longer an attractive field for students.

Next, society is [greatly] affected [by the] because of the above problem [outlined above]. There are fewer students [who] decide to study science, which will lead to a shortage of scientifically capable {“scientifically capable” sounds just a bit odd here - maybe “lead to a future shortage of those in the workforce who are capable of understanding science.”} workforce in the future. This will prevent the development of society and improvement in standard of living because inventions and research [will] become fewer. A lack of scientists in [the] medical field, for example, [will make it impossible] is unable to find out {“to discover” or “to develop” sound better here} many cures for cancers or [other] serious diseases.{using “or” here without the “other” made it sound like you do not consider cancer a serious disease}

In conclusion, the causes of this phenomenon [of a deficit of science-oriented students] {try to refer back to the prompt and the main topic like this} mainly rely on the teaching [methods] in class and employment opportunities in the future[. Unless some remedial action is taken soon,] the effect will suppress the development of these countries in the long term. {it usually sounds nice to end with a call to action}

[thaodang119]

Hi my leader, help me check my essay. Thank you so much. i hope it would be a good essay.
The scarcity of science students in many parts of the world has become prevalent phenomenon. This problem occurs due to particular causes, and of course, this might have detrimental impacts on the advancement of society.

There are several reasons why students are losing their interest in science disciplines. First, science obviously is a demanding subject that requires a great deal of diligence, intelligence as well as patience. In science classes, learners are forced to not only remember many abstract theories, formulations, and calculations, but also do a large number of assignments. They, thus, are always under intense pressure from learning the science-related subjects. Second, employment opportunities for science graduates are limited after graduation. To become a scientist, learners need experience in experimentation, but they merely have 3-9 hours in laboratory per week that is insufficient, thus, they are at high risk for finding a job due to lack of previous lab experience.
As a result, a shortage of students who decide not to choose pursue science fields might bring negative ramifications to the development of society. While the number of students in areas of science are inadequate, other fields such as law, economy, or engineering are become commonplace that will lead to the unbalance in workforce. If the number of students pursuing science fields decrease, it might be human resource crisis as a result. Furthermore, this problem would restrict the advancement of society and the improvement in standard of living. A deficit of scientists in medical fields, for example, will make it impossible to discover new cures for cancers, or other serious diseases.
In conclusion, the causes of the shortage of science-oriented students mainly rely on strict requirement of science subject and limitation of job vacancies. If the problem is not tackled soon, adverse effect arising from the issues will certainly suppress the development of society.

[Luschen]

Hi Nancy, I think this is a big improvement. Still, that second reason was not that convincing to me. Here are a few other suggested corrections:

@thaodang119

The scarcity of science students in many parts of the world has become [a ]prevalent phenomenon. This problem occurs {as you know, present tense is generally used for an action that repeats or happens regularly. Here maybe you are saying it happens again and again in different countries, but it is better to use present progressive

• “is occuring” }due to particular causes, and of course, this might have detrimental impacts on the advancement of society.

There are several reasons why students are losing their interest in science disciplines. First, science obviously is a demanding subject that requires a great deal of diligence [and] intelligence as well as patience. In science classes, learners are forced to not only remember many abstract theories, formulations, and calculations, but also do a large number of assignments. They, thus, {I think “Thus, they are” sounds better here} are always under intense pressure from learning the science-related subjects. Second, employment opportunities for science graduates are limited after graduation. To become a scientist, learners need experience in experimentation, but they merely have 3-9 hours in laboratory per week[, which] is insufficient[. Thus], they are at high risk for finding a job due to lack of previous lab experience. {this last one is not that convincing to me. It sounds like you are arguing that students need to focus even more on science and take additional lab courses}
As a result, a shortage of students who decide not to choose pursue {this sentence structure is confusing - sort of like a double negative - it sounds like you are saying there is a shortage of students who do not choose science - that would mean too many students are choosing science} science fields might bring negative ramifications to the development of society. While the number of students in areas of science are inadequate, other fields such as law, economy, or engineering are become commonplace[, which] will lead to [a ] unbalance in [the] workforce. If the number of students pursuing science fields [decreases], it might [bring a] human resource crisis as a result. Furthermore, this problem would restrict the advancement of society and the improvement in [the] standard of living. A deficit of scientists in medical fields, for example, will make it impossible to discover new cures for cancers, or other serious diseases.
In conclusion, the causes of the shortage of science-oriented students mainly [result from the] strict [requirements] of science [subjects] and limitation of job vacancies. If the problem is not tackled soon, adverse [effects] arising from the issues will certainly suppress the development of society.