Working for an employer or having own business?

Here is my third essay with improvement. Would you mind evaluating it for me? Thank you in advance Mr Luschen:)
WORK
Nowadays, there are various options for people to choose their job. Some people prefer to be self-employed. Others choose to work for an employer. In my opinion, I would like to be employed by someone else.

First, people’s life would be more stable if they are employee. It’s really fair that their salary is judged based on their working performance. On the other hand, if people run a business, their salary are likely to partly depend on external economic attributes. For example, in a company, workers make products. The more productivity they perform, the more money they receive, which do not involve the economic situation. However, the owner of the company is possible to gain nothing if he or she can’t sell products because of the economic depression for instance. For this reason, working for someone else make people’s life safer

Second, people can have more time to enjoy their life. If they run a business, they are reponsible for managing a whole company’s activities, which range from raising capital, setting working plans, hiring workers and so on. For this reason it will take them a lot of time to finish and they do not have time for themselves and their family. On the contrary, if they work as employees, they are just responsible for their own tasks, which enable them to spend time on enjoying their life with family. For example, they can take their family to supermarket after working-day at company, have dinner and watch TV together. They will never be disturbed by a sudden phonecall when their company has a problem.

In conclusion, working for someone else is superior to self-running a business because it helps people stablize their life and provides them with much free time to enjoy their life

TOEFL listening lectures: Which fact is true of Edward O. Wilson?

Hi Ukchoe, I thought this was an improvement over your previous essays. This one sounds a little more natural and you have fewer mistakes in grammar and usage. You have addressed the prompt well and have good examples to support your ideas. Ideally, it would be good to have three body paragraphs if you have time. Your writing was clear, but many of your sentences sounded short and choppy, though you have included many transition words, which is good. Your words are generally used correctly, but your vocabulary is fairly basic. Still, I would rate this one a 4 out of 5.