work only three days a week for long hours or five days a week for shorter hours?

[Tesoke]

Hi, would you please evaluate my essay. Thanks a lot.

Question
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more enjoyable to have a job where you work only three days a week for long hours than to have a job where you work five days a week for shorter hours. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Writing
Different people have diverse opinions of whether jobs with more works in three days are more enjoyable or those with little works in five days. Some of them think that it would better to get jobs with more works in three days and enjoy more vacations with their families instead; however, I really disagree with their mentality and I prefer to have a job where I can work five days a week for shorter hours. I think so, because I can work better, I am not obligated to tolerate much pressure and I do not want to be more aggressive at Mondays.

First of all, I think that employees became more tired because of working for long hours and they do few tasks in final hours of the working-time. I read the article in a newspaper and it had asserted: “When people are obligated to be under pressure for many hours, in their job, they waste more time via speaking with co-workers.” I am an ambitious employee who want to progress and get higher-degree positions in my job, so I try very hard to do my duties and I know that if I work long hours a day, my performance will decrease seriously. I do not want loose higher positions with wasting time, because of tiredness, being indolent and think for more vacation.

In addition, doing more tasks during job spends a big part of people’s energies and they definitely cannot enjoy the rest time of those days, because hard-working leads employees to be aggressive in their families, society and even their job. It is obvious that the statistics of accidents, crimes and so on will increase in societies, where people are not calm enough. I believe that human’s body has a limited ability and cannot tolerate working for long hours. When I was child, every day when my father was working much and coming back the home late, he was angrier and I was scaring that he may bother me without any reason.

Last but not least, all of us know that the worst time of work is the starting hours of Mondays, when we just finish our vacation and are obligated to start overwhelming duties again. Our bodies are yet indolent and accustomed to being relaxed. If I work in a job for long hours and spend other days during vacation, I have to tolerate more pressure while starting job again. I mean the more spend during vacation, the more pressure while starting job at Mondays. I prefer to have days with less work and proper rest, not days with hard work and without rest.

In conclusion, I agree that when we work for long hours, we can spend more time during vacations and it permits us to plan our vacations better; furthermore, we can plan to journey to long distances, but we have to work more and more during a day.[/i]

TOEFL listening lectures: How did Queen Elizabeth acknowledge the English victory?

[Luschen]

Hi Tesoke, I thought you had a few problems with this one. Your reasons were pretty good, but your introduction sounds very awkward and unnatural. Your body paragraphs were better, but you still had some errors in usage and grammar. I think this might still score a 3.5 out of 5, though it may be a little less.

@Tesoke

Hi, would you please evaluate my essay. Thanks a lot.

Question
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more enjoyable to have a job where you work only three days a week for long hours than to have a job where you work five days a week for shorter hours. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Writing
Different people have diverse opinions of whether jobs with more works {“with more works” is wrong - you need to say something like more hours per day or longer workdays} in three days are more enjoyable or those with little works in five days. Some of them think that it would better to get jobs with more works in three days and enjoy more vacations with their families instead; however, I really disagree with their mentality and I prefer to have a job where I can work five days a week for shorter hours. I think [this way], because I can work better, I am not obligated to tolerate much pressure{this phrase sounds a little awkward} and I do not want to be more aggressive at Mondays.{this is not very clear to me}

First of all, I think that employees became more tired because of working for long hours and they do few tasks in [the] final hours of the working-time. {“of their workday” is better} I read [an] article in a newspaper and it had asserted: “When people are obligated to be under pressure for many hours,{no comma here} in their job, they waste more time via speaking with co-workers.” I am an ambitious employee who want[s ] to progress and get higher-degree {“higher degree” sounds odd - maybe “higher status”} positions in my job, so I try very hard to do my duties and I know that if I work long hours a day, my performance will decrease seriously. I do not want lo[se] higher positions with [by] wasting time, because of tiredness, being indolent and [focusing on] think for more vacation.

In addition, doing more tasks during job {once again, it is not clear you mean work longer hours} spends a big part of people’s energies and they definitely cannot enjoy the rest time {“off time” is better} of those days, because hard-working leads [to] employees [being] aggressive in their families, society and even their job. It is obvious that the statistics of accidents, crimes and so on will increase in societies,{no comma here} where people are not calm enough. I believe that human’s body {“that the human body” is more natural} has a limited ability and cannot tolerate working for long hours. When I was child, every day when my father was working much and coming back the home late, he was angrier and I was scar[ed] that he may bother me without any reason.

Last but not least, all of us know that the worst time of work is the starting hours of Mondays, when we [have] just finish[ed] our vacation and are obligated to start overwhelming duties again. Our bodies are yet[still] indolent{“indolent” is not quite right here - maybe “our bodies are still in weekend mode”} and accustomed to being relaxed. If I work in a job for long hours and spend other days during [on] vacation, I have to tolerate more pressure wh[en] starting [my] job again. I mean the more [time] spen[t on] during vacation, {maybe “long weekends” is better than vacation here} the more pressure while starting job at Mondays. I prefer to have days with less work and proper rest, not days with hard work and without rest. {this last sentence seems to belong more in your second body paragraph}

In conclusion, I agree that when we work for long hours, we can spend more time during vacations and it permits us to plan our vacations better; furthermore, we can plan to journey to long distances, but we have to work more and more during a day.[/i] {it is ok to state these advantages in the conclusion, but make it more clear that they don’t outweigh the disadvantages.}

TOEFL listening lectures: How did Queen Elizabeth acknowledge the English victory?

[Tesoke]

Thank you so much, because your help.

I cannot understand what you mean in your last comment: “{it is ok to state these advantages in the conclusion, but make it more clear that they don’t outweigh the disadvantages.}”

Do you mean that I should state disadvantages too? Or state disadvantages only? Please explain your last comment more simple. Thanks a lot.

[Luschen]

Hi Tesoke, I meant that for this type of essay, where they ask you to choose one side or the other, you should only focus on your side in the three body paragraphs. But you can mention the other side in your introduction or conclusion, as long as you immediately follow it up by stating why your side is still better. You did this in your conclusion, but I don’t think you restated your own opinion powerfully enough afterwards.

So maybe “In conclusion, I agree that when we work more hours per day, we can spend more time on long weekends and it permits us to plan our vacations better, for instance by allowing us to journey longer distances. Still, the excessive hours such a long workday requires results in mental harm and poor job performance, and thus a longer workweek with fewer hours per day is a much better option.”

[Luschen]

Hi Tesoke, I meant that for this type of essay, where they ask you to choose one side or the other, you should only focus on your side in the three body paragraphs. But you can mention the other side in your introduction or conclusion, as long as you immediately follow it up by stating why your side is still better. You did this in your conclusion, but I don’t think you restated your own opinion powerfully enough afterwards.

So maybe “In conclusion, I agree that when we work more hours per day, we can spend more time on long weekends and it permits us to plan our vacations better, for instance by allowing us to journey longer distances. Still, the excessive hours such a long workday requires results in mental harm and poor job performance, and thus a longer workweek with fewer hours per day is a much better option.”