What do you think of abusive men?

Please have an open mind and give me your sincerest opinion on the above. My sister is married to a foreigner. He seemed nice at first (when they were courting) but as soon as they were married he began to show his true colours. He harrassed her daily. He calls her names and annoyingly vulgar - at home and in public. He shoves her around. Pushes his finger, knuckles and forehead when he speaks to her - or rather shouts at her. When she is lying down, he would sit on her, pinning both her hands so she can’t escape while he spat all over her face. Slaps her or twist her arms till she bruised all over. He would throw her on the bed or the walls or cupboard. When she hid in the bathroom or storeroom, he would kick the door knowing she is behind it. He demands her opinion on the clothes he wore but when she gave one, he would shout and demand her to tell him why her opinion is so. He shouts not speak - even in the middle of the night till dawn, disregarding the neighbours.

When he is calm and my sister told him not to shout and showed all the bruises, he denies everything and psychoed my sister by telling her she imagined it or that she hurt herself or it was all an accident or asks her to give the exact time and date that he did it (my sister can’t remember, of course). When my sister raised her voice to reply to his questions at a noisy place they went, he would accuse her of being rude and mentally sick. Names he would use? Fucking bitch, stupid cow, demented old woman, ugliest pig, psychopath, etc.

When she tries to speak, he would tease her with the tone of an old woman and told her she sounds like his mother.

When he wants her, he would turn into the nicest romantic puppy, showering her with flowers, dinners, gifts, holiday, concerts and money. Other days, he would demand that she gave him back her jewellery and gifts.

My sister’s asthma is now worsened. Her stomach ulcers bleed often. She has eczema all over. She became a nervous wreck - always stammering and shivering and crying. That cheerful, bright look has disappeared and she now looks 10 years older, always quiet and frowning. I worry she would commit suicide.

Since this is her second marriage, she refuse to get help for fear society might condemn her and she has only been married four months.

What do you think she should do? She had a black eye and bruised wrist, hands, legs, chest and breast from his work yesterday. He is British and woks as a Senior Software Engineer and converted to Islam due to the marriage. We are muslims.

Thank you for your opinion.


I am on my lunch break now and I can’t be long.

But, we have got to help your sister, in case you are wondering what do I think about abusive men, well, if possible, I put them below my feet.

Have you tried reporting this to Syari’ah court? I know, many times they are good for nothing but you mentioned that the monster is a British and a convert, so as usual Syari’ah court will be biased towards him.

Usually, no matter how big of a monster the husbands were, the court (the ‘male chauvinist’ judge) will side with the husbands.

Principally, I am against them but in your case we need to be practical. If you can use the system for your benefit, why not use it. (According to my father, he’s in politics. I will ask him later and see what we can do to help your sister. We should talk privately)

I will write more tonight (regarding this phenomena in Malaysia), if I am not too pooped. I’ve got a lot on my plate now and it is going to be a very long day/night.

Take care,

Adryana, this sounds too much for me. I mean that the man must be crazy, in some kind of a difficult-to-understand situation. It’s not right your sister is suffering too much this way. I am sorry I can’t understand how a muslim marriage is but she shouldn’t be afraid of the society she’s living in and make herself suffer this way.

I don’t know what reason or why your sister married the man. But the man needs to consult the doctor, go to see a doctor for sure. Perhaps, they are in love and the man has some kind of illness which demands your sister not to ignore and suffer his ill doing.

If all else doesn’t work, she has to leave this man. Well, she has to. You need to encourage her. I dont want to see women living physically where their souls are dead.

And I agree with Nina, Adryana. You and your parents can help your sister, although not much…but out of hell…

Hi Adriana,

I can’t comprehend how your sister still puts up with such opprobrious and atrocious treatment. There is no other way but to divorce him. Caring about other people’s opinion doesnt’ constitute justification.His behavior is premised on nothing. Abuse, beating is his cup of tea. It’s a pathology.Either he should be forced into compulsory treatment or sent to prison. Is there any other way of solving the situation? Keep in mind if a man beat his spouse once(especially, beating black and blue) he would beat her on repeated occasions, according to the survey. :cry: Unfortunately, you post indicates this :frowning:

This man is an obvious psychopath, and for your sister’s own safety, she should get away from him. I don’t know how it works in Malaysia, but in the US, the UK or Germany, your sister would have had her injuries photographed at the police station and the husband would have been arrested by now. The court and the police would be watching him, and they would force him to stay away from her, that is, if they didn’t put him in prison.

No woman deserves to be treated like this, and no woman should be worried about the opinion of her community if she leaves such a man. Some women even move abroad to find safety, if there is no other way. It is especially important to flee to safety because that type of man is very capable of killing a woman who leaves him or doesn’t allow him to abuse her.

Men like this don’t change, so the only way is to flee or to have him put in prison.

I have had students who were married to men like this. One married a charming, very handsome doctor, and immediately after the wedding he started to beat and abuse her very severely. She left him, and a few years later he was arrested and got life in prison for murdering several patients in hospitals where he had worked.

I repeat: This kind of psycho might do anything, so your sister has to run from him.

Yeah, he views her as his toy. It’s probably in her best interest to leave him. There’s no pill for psychopathy/sociopathy.

People usually like their toys. This guy’s got something more sinister going on in his mind.

This is a common thinking of women in Malaysia. In this very modern era, I can’t understand it. If it happens 20 or 50 years ago, I still can’t understand it, and I usually blame it on stupidity.

My paternal grandmother was also abused by my grandfather (maybe not the way your sister is). According to my mother, it was due to insecurity that my grandfather had because my grandmother was a very beautiful woman. Even their wedding ceremony was sabotaged by jealous villagers. I heard that she wanted to run away but her parents told her to be patient and be loyal to my grandfather because that is just how things are. And at that time getting a divorce is very taboo. Plus, she was 15 when she married my grandfather and her parents blamed her for everything.

I used to think that I and all the girls in our time are lucky because we don’t have to put up with all that. Every time I discuss this this with my mother, she always, always reminds us to be very careful in choosing husbands. She even told me that she will pay my husband off if my husband so much as slap me. Sometimes I am scared at her high-handedness.

But she is right, husbands don’t slap once, if he slaps you once, he’s going to do it again and again.

One another nearest example I know is my aunt. The husband was abusive and she was determined to save the marriage. As to why she wanted to stay with that monster is simply because she didn’t want to be a divorcee. They didn’t have any child back then and she can easily walk away, everybody in the family was eager to help her out but the problem is she didn’t want to.

You know what she did? She went to a witch doctor and now the husband follows her like a dog. Believe it or not. This is not uncommon. Many women do this because they cannot stand their husbands but at the same time do not want to be divorcee or “JANDA” the taboo status in the Malay society.

We are very worried for her soul because witchcraft is a very heavy sin in Islam, it is a state of depending on Satan and not God. I guess many forumers here have problem accepting this because we live in a “modern” world.

Many cases I see usually involve professionals. My aunt is a Physic’s teacher and the husband is an engineer.

Another victim my mother knows is her friend’s daughter, a surgeon, the abusing husband is also a surgeon. Both spent most of their adult’s life oversea. She is not a nobody, but as to why she put up with her husband is beyond our comprehension. Even my uneducated grandmother knew to run away (but couldn’t).

Worse, she even hides her husband doing from her parents. The mother is in despair because she cannot stand seeing her daughter’s blackened eye and body, she knows how much it hurts because the mother was also once abused by her father. Seeing how her daughter is suffering, the father now regrets what he did to his wife. I guess, what goes around, comes around.

I think most Malaysians would be quick to judge the Brit. His nationality has nothing to do with his behaviour. My mother always try to scare me with this story because I never introduced a Malay/Muslim man to her (My boyfriend is a foreigner too) To tell you the truth, when I read your story, I become a bit scared to marry my boyfriend. But I know, any man from any place is capable of doing such horrible thing.

My best friend always ask me the question “Is it worth it? You are not a nobody, and you have a beautiful family. Is it worth givng all that up for one man? If you followed him to his country and things didn’t turn as you expected, there will be nobody to help you.”

Ask the same question to your sister, Adriana. Is it worth it?

My advice, lodge a police report the next time she gets bruises or any mark that can be evidence of the beating. Which I don’t doubt she will get any time soon.

I meant that he thinks of her as his toy to play with as he pleases.

He is the world’s director and anyone with whom he comes in contact is there to perform for him.

Adryana, it is sad to read your post about your sister… Unfortunately, even today some women are treated this way in many parts of the world. According to statistics, one third of women suffer domestic violence in the world today (I am not sure how true this is though).

As for your sister, I think she must be brave and give a divorce to that man. She should not heed what others say about her if she divorces, because those others do not suffer together with your sister when he abuses her…

She has to leave him!!! She should not be putting up with this!!

I understand that it might be difficult for her to leave him due to reasons that we may not know… But when there is such extreme violence involved, there should be no other choice.

Exactly!! Like Jamie said he is capable of doing anything. She needs to get aways from him asap!!!

(I don’t know your sister, but i feel so sad for her. Nobody should go through this.)