This is my IELTS essay. Could you please rate it for me?
Thank you a lot.
Topic: What are the pros and cons of watching Televison for children?
Nowadays, many people, and children in particular, enjoy watching television as the way of relaxation or even an educational tool. However, there are the drawbacks that should to be taken to consideration. In this essay, I will discuss both views of it.
On the one hand, television programs can be both entertaining and educational. Children can access a huge variety of entertainment channels that are often interesting and enjoyable. From an educational perspective, television is the useful tool that can help children to memorize much more knowledge easily than traditional teaching methods since documentaries on TV programs often make learning more exciting. For example, Discovery and National Graphic have become the best channels for children to explore and experience wildlife animals and natural habitats. Furthermore, it has been shown that having access to science fiction TV series during childhood encourages children to develop concentration, problem solving as well as logical thinking through discussion about plot and character development with parents, all of which are valuable skills for the rest of their life.
On the other hand, Early approach to television has negative impacts on children’s health and social life. Firstly, watching TV too much may ruin parents and children’s relationship as children spend much time on TV instead of communicating with their loved ones. Secondly, it is highly addictive because there are a significant of entertaining channels broadcast all the time to keep children watching. This leads to the sedentary lifestyle, lack of exercise and the rise in disease related to obesity and overweight. Finally, children are being exposed to violence and sexual images on TV programs, which may lead criminal activities or even early sex.
In conclusion, although television is helpful with the pros of education and entertainment for children, parents should consider to control their time spending on watching programs. Personally, I believe that these benefits eventually outweigh any negatives.
Hi Trinhpham, welcome to the forum! I think your essay is very good.
You have addressed the topic correctly and completely. Your good use of transitions gives an excellent flow to your writing. Your vocabulary is good for the most part,
though you have used a few words incorrectly, and you do have a few mistakes in grammar and sentence structure. Still, the errors don’t really interfere with my comprehension very much, so this might sneak in as a band 7.
Better to be safe though and correct some of the grammar mistakes.
Sorry, editing to say this - You really need to delete your final sentence. This prompt is strictly a “pros and cons” type prompt. Your personal opinion should not be given at all for this type of prompt. If you give it, the grader may think you are not on-task and may greatly lower your task achievement score. You are an excellent writer, so it would be a shame if you did not follow the prompt to a T.
