Universities should give the same amount of money to their students' sports activities

[PhuongDu]

Would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Universities should give the same
amount of money to their students’ sports activities as they give to their university libraries. Use
specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

There has been a heated debate concerning that the same amount of money ought to be given to students’ sports activities by universities. In fact, there is growing sentiment that put more emphasis on the importance of giving it to their universities librabries. In my opinion, I concur with the former for the three following reasons.

First of all, playing sports is a useful recreation for students after stressful studying in class. Sports are necessary for people to improve their health. Without doing exercises regularly, people are easy to get sick and lose energy for working or studying. Students also should not spend all their college time on studying, or they will lose their health while completing their degrees. Students can choose various kinds of sports such as playing badminton, going swimming or so on in spite of not being skillful at playing it.

Secondly, through sports, the students can develop both physically and mentally. Students can relax the stress due to exams by doing some proper exercises. If students keep studying for a long time without an alternative way to release stresses, they will get in an unhealthy mental condition and have risks to bring more serious problems. Having a good health is extremely indispensable to absorb knowledge, so they can learn effectively and effortlessly. Furthermore, going to sport club give the students a high opportunities to socialize and talk with other friends with different majors, habits can also enhance their communication skills.

Last but not least, significant investment in athletic activities can establish a united union among students. Some team games like football, basketball request high team spirit and community solidarity. Thus, all the members must be respect the cohesion and cooperate flexibly during the games.

To sum up briefly, I definitely agree that universities should give much amount of money to students’ sports activities because sports activities has various beneficial aspects such as making our life better and communicating well with societies.

[Luschen]

Hi PhuongDu, I think you have some good ideas in this essay, but you did not develop them as well as you could have. You have a lot of repetition where you keep basically saying the same thing in different ways.
Your three reasons are fine - health benefits, networking benefits, and teamwork benefits. But the key to getting a good score in the TOEFL is having plenty of detailed, real life, specific examples. Talk about your uncle who only studied in school, never did any physical activities and had a heart attack at age 40. Talk about the close friends your father made on his college football team and how he ended up getting a job with the company one of his old teammates owns. Talk about how the lessons in teamwork you learned on your badminton team carried through when completing that team project in your chemistry class. Specific examples like this can be written pretty quickly and go a long way towards supporting your argument while avoiding repetition. As I said, your writing itself has very few errors, so great job there. You just need to concentrate on your content.

@PhuongDu

There has been a heated debate concerning [whether] the same amount of money ought to be given to students’ sports activities by universities. {this sounds like you are arguing if every sport should receive the same amount of money - in a comparison like this you have to mention both things you are comparing} In fact, there is growing sentiment that [puts] more emphasis on the importance of giving it to their [universities’] [libraries]. In my opinion, I concur with the former for the three following reasons. {I don’t really like using “former” or “latter” in a thesis - the thesis should be able to stand on its own as a definitive statement}

First of all, playing sports is a useful [recreational activity] for students after [a stressful day spent] studying in class. {add a transition here - is this to provide support or is this a new point?} [In other words,] Sports are necessary for people to improve their health. Without doing exercises regularly, people are [prone] to get sick and lose [the] energy [necessary] for working or studying. Students also should not spend all their college time on studying, or they will lose their health while completing their degrees. {this seems repetitive - instead of repeating your point, use a specific and detailed example that illustrates how important recreational activity is} Students can choose various kinds of sports such as playing badminton, going swimming or so on in spite of not being skillful at playing it. {“playing it” sounds a bit odd after mentioning swimming because you don’t “play swimming”}

Secondly, through sports, the students can develop both physically and mentally. Students can [reduce] the stress due to exams by doing some proper exercises. If students keep studying for a long time without an alternative way to release stresses, they will get in an unhealthy mental condition and have risks [of bringing on] more serious problems. Having a good health is extremely indispensable to absorb knowledge, so they can learn effectively and effortlessly. {the paragraph up till now was a repeat of your first paragraph} Furthermore, going to sport club give the students a high opportunities to socialize and talk with other friends with different majors, habits can also enhance their communication skills. {this is a good reason and deserves its own paragraph. Be sure not to combine two separate reasons in one paragraph}

Last but not least, significant investment in athletic activities can establish a united [bond/affiliation] {“united union” sounded a bit odd to me} among students. Some team games like football [and] basketball [foster/demand] high team spirit and community solidarity. Thus, all the members must be respect the cohesion and cooperate flexibly during the games. {be sure to state how this carries on into later life in business and society - the long term benefits}

To sum up briefly, I definitely agree that universities should give [an equivalent] much amount of money to students’ sports activities [as to the library system] because sports activities [have] various beneficial aspects such as making [students’ lives] better and [improving their communication with others in society] communicating well with societies.