Topic: Many students find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention at schools. What are the reasons? What could be done?

[Th_Bui]

Please give me some comments. Thanks a lot
Topic: Many students find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention at schools. What are the reasons? What could be done?
It is true that student’s distraction at schools has become an increasingly widespread concern. A number of reasons are attributed to this phenomenon and various measures could be taken to tackle this problem.
There are two main plausible explanations of why students struggle with staying focused at schools. The main issue is that youngsters have a tendency to find their interest drawn to digital devices instead of their teacher’s lectures. Obviously, given that there are the advancement and ubiquity of smartphones and ipads, more students keep their eyes glued to screens and do many frivolous activities such as playing games, texting, even watching films during the class. That leads to a big deterrent to transmission of knowledge in classes. Furthermore, the background noise level in a class also deteriorates children’s attention. Since the noise may come to the class from the outsides, like construction sites, which contributes greatly to the background noise level in the classroom, students have difficulties in listening teacher’s voice clearly and following teacher’s instructions.
Many appropriate solutions could be proposed to address this problem. Firstly, both families and schools need to cooperate in controlling pupils’ electronic device usage. For example, teachers should impose strict discipline in classes by giving a punishment with their parent’s permission like confiscating their objects if students attempt to use smartphones or ipads in classes. Moreover, tailoring traditional teaching styles to today’s students by applying the state-of-the-art facilities such as computers and power point projectors would create more illustrated and interesting lectures, which would not only draw students’ attention but also stimulate their concentration. Secondly, to decrease the level of background noise, many modern sound insulation materials such as sound reducing- glass should be installed immediately, which results in a quiet learning environment for students.
In conclusion, digital device attraction together with the noisy environment is not conducive to concentrated study at schools. By prohibiting students from using modern devices during class and installing insulation materials, they could pay attention much more to lessons.

[Luschen]

Hi Th Bui, I enjoyed your essay. I think you addressed the prompt correctly and your overall format looks good. Your writing is generally clear, but there were a few odd or awkward sounding sentences. Here are some specific suggestions:

@Th_Bui

It is true that [students’] distraction at schools has become an increasingly widespread concern. A number of reasons are attributed {“reasons are attributed” is wrong - the phenomenon is attributed to a number of reasons} to this phenomenon and various measures could be taken to tackle this problem.
There are two main plausible explanations of why students struggle with staying focused at schools.{“at school” sounds more natural} The main issue is that youngsters have a tendency to find their interest drawn to digital devices instead of their teacher’s lectures. Obviously, given that there are the advancement {“the advancement” sounds odd and vague - do you mean the improvements in cellphones or their increasing popularity?} and ubiquity of smartphones and Ipads, {“Ipad” is a brand name and so should be capitalized} more students keep their eyes glued to screens and do many frivolous activities such as playing games, texting, [or] {remember not to replace “and” or “or” with a comma} even watching films during the class. That [serves as] a big deterrent to [the effective] transmission of knowledge in classes. Furthermore, the background noise level in a class also deteriorates {“deteriorates” sounds odd in this context - maybe “diminishes” or “interferes with”} children’s attention. Since the noise may come to the class from the [outside], like construction sites, which contributes greatly to the background noise level in the classroom, students have difficulties in listening [to their] teacher’s voice {you generally don’t “listen to a voice” - you hear a voice or listen to their lesson} clearly and following teacher’s instructions. {this sentence is a little disjointed - I would probably split it up into two separate thoughts}
Many appropriate solutions could be proposed to address this problem. Firstly, both families and schools need to cooperate in controlling pupils’ electronic device usage. For example, teachers should impose strict discipline in classes by giving a punishment with their parent’s permission like confiscating their objects if students attempt to use smartphones or ipads in classes. Moreover, tailoring traditional teaching styles to today’s students by applying the state-of-the-art facilities {“facilities” usually refers to buildings, or labs, or libraries, not to computers and projectors - maybe “state-of-the-art technology/devices”} such as computers and power point projectors would create more illustrated {“illustrative” is better} and interesting lectures, which would not only draw students’ attention but also stimulate {ok, but “maintain” seems more natural} their concentration. Secondly, to decrease the level of background noise, many modern sound insulation materials such as sound reducing glass should be installed immediately, which [would result] in a quiet learning environment for students.
In conclusion, [the attraction to] digital [devices] attraction together with the noisy environment is not conducive to concentrated study {“concentrated study” would be something like jamming 5 days of lessons into only 3 days of instruction, so it does not really work here} at schools. By prohibiting students from using modern devices during class and installing insulation materials, they could pay [much better] attention much more to [their] lessons.

[Th_Bui]

Hi Luschen,
Thank you very much for your feedback. But I still have a question.
There is a sentence that you described as odd and vague. I don’t get your point.
[Obviously, given that there are the advancement and ubiquity of smartphones and Ipads, more students …] , I mean that more students keep their eyes glued to screens and do many frivolous activities such as playing games, texting, or even watching films during the class because smartphones and Ipads have become more modern and popular.
So, Can I use the collocation “the advancement and ubiquity of st” in this situation?. Btw, i saw this collocation in an ielt writing sample with band 8.
Please answer the question, I highly appreciate that

[Luschen]

Hi, sorry but for some reason I never saw this follow-up response.
I said your sentence was odd because of “given that there are the advancement and ubiquity” - saying “given the advancement and ubiquity” is much more natural.
I said your sentence was vague because the meaning of advancement of was unclear - do you mean the advancement of cellphones’ popularity, or the advancements in technology or the advancement in the quality of the applications on cellphones?
Advancement and ubiquity are fine, but I think you need to clarify exactly what kind of advancement you mean.
For example, "Obviously, given the ubiquity of smartphones and Ipads, and the advancement in the variety of addictive apps available on them, more students keep their eyes glued to their screens and do many frivolous activities such as playing games, texting, and even watching films during class.