TOEFL writing practice- TPO26-It is better for children to choose jobs that are similar to their parents’ jobs than to choose jobs that are very different from their parents’ jobs

Thank you for helping me with modifying my practice, I am confused how to use the grammar about tenses.

Q:It is better for children to choose jobs that are similar to their parents’ jobs than to choose jobs that are very different from their parents’ jobs.

In my opinion, it is better for children to choose jobs that are very different from their parent’ job. There are several reasons why I support the idea.

First of all, it benefits to children’ life when they can explore in a variety of area in order to get different abilities from jobs than what they got from their parents.For example, my parents’ were teachers. Even they hope I could become a teacher as them strongly, I choose to become a lawyer. I can communicate with my clients well now because they taught me how to observe people and lead people to a right way by sharing their teaching experiences. I learnt how negotiate with people from my current job.

Second, children can meet different kind of persons and expand their sightseeing if they have jobs that are very different from their parents’ jobs. Specifically, if parents and children were all teachers, then the places for them to meet persons were almost all in schools, who they meet would have similar thinking, this would narrow children mind.

Thirdly, children can share more interesting experience and stories to their parents. Moreover, children will feel they are equal to their parents, because they aren’t always guided by their parents, this would be good to family relationship.

For conclusion, I think children with different jobs than their parents is better than with the same job as their parents.

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Hi Kate, welcome to the forum. I don’t think your grammar or tenses are that bad.
I was able to understand most of your writing and your errors did not interfere that much with my comprehension. That being said, your essay as a whole was not very convincing to me. Your first body paragraph sort of worked against your thesis. And the argument in your second body paragraph did not seem very strong. I thought your third paragraph had the best ideas, but you did not really develop them. Your intro and conclusion also need a little more work. For your introduction, you should paraphrase the prompt by using different words, which shows you understand the prompt. Then talk about why the question is important, then finish with a strong thesis statement. Your introduction is really just a thesis statement. For your conclusion, repeat the thesis statement in different words, then give a summary of your reasons. Then end with a call to action. This will give you a good three sentence conclusion.
Here are some other suggestions:

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thanks to Luschen!
This helps me a lot, my thinking about this topic was still messy when I practiced to write the writing, this did affect how I expressed it.
I ll practice this topic again, thank you!

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