TOEFL sample essay: Best way to learn is by listening to the advice of family...

Correct this TOEFL essay please~

Question: hte best way to learn about life is by listening to the adivice of family and friends.

It is undeniable that we learn about life from not only direct experiences but also indirect experiences through listening to the advice of friends and family. Although personal experience can be more direct and vivid so that it would last longer than indirect experiences, I believe that better way to learn about life is to listen to the advice of family and friends. The rationale behind is that personal experience is too limited to learn about life. Another reason is that family and friends can provide us more useful advice.

First of all, experience that we can actually go through is so limited that we can hardly learn every aspect of lives from this. The basic reason that people read books is to gain valuable lessons and wisdom by indirectly experiencing through main characters in the book since people can not experience everything within their limited given time. Like this, we can learn a lot from advice of others. For example, the advice from my father greatly helped me to choose my future dream. Since I have little information regarding to job world, it was really difficult for me decide what to do in the future. However, my father, who has been actually living in the competitive job world, could help me realize the reality of choosing job in the society. As a result, I could easily decide what to major in the university since I became to have a confirm understanding of job world.

Secondly, family and friends can give us more useful advice. Family and friends are people who know and understand us. It is sometimes very hard for us to view ourselves objectively. On the other hand, other family members or friends can understand and judge the situation we are involved in a very objective view, meaning that they know what advice is necessary for us at what time. For example, just like other teenagers, I had very hard time understanding the meaning of growth while I was at adolescence. I could not focus on anything such as school works and had a lot of conflicts with my peers. However, my parents greatly helped me how to deal with change in mentally and physically growth, so I could overcome this period with ease.

In conclusion, there are actually a lot of valuable lessons we can get from the advice of family and friends than our own personal experiences since personal experience is very limited and family and friends can provide us more useful advice. Family and friends are people who share a lot of similarities and spend most of time with us. Therefore, if we have any problems regarding to our personal lives, I think it is the best solution for us to listen to their advice as the hidden card.

TOEFL listening lectures: Which fact is true of Edward O. Wilson?

First of all your essay contains 482 words you only have to write 300 words. so i would eliminate some redundant ideas like:

“for a variery of reasons” is a good equivalent

you repeat this ideas right after

Moreover it would be a great technique to let your ideas speak for themselves. For instance a good example don’t need any explanation. so it is wise to limit them to one sentence ; two the maximum. And know that when a sentence is over than 15 words the reader will lose track. Keep them to 8-10 words.
I have more advice for you but i think one bit at time is better.

Thanks~ for your advice!

Is my essay too long for toefl essay??
or… was there many grammatical errors or awkward usage??

This is a wonderful opinion. The things mentioned are unanimous and needs to be appreciated by everyone. I appreciate the concern which is been rose. The things need to be sorted out because it is about the individual but it can be with everyone.

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