TOEFL essay revise

Hello guys, this is my first time taking TOEFL test, please help me checking my essay.
that will help a lot !! thank you.

Q:Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.

In our colleges life, there’s other thing that is as important as academic. Sure, academic and grades are important, however, good hobby and leisure activity are essential too. Therefore, I agree that sports and social activity should receive equal support. Here, I provide two reasons.
First is creates your hobby. School club is a very proper example, there’re tens of hundreds of clubs in college. Coffee club, astronomy club, tennis club, volleyball club, these are excellent chances for you to learn something new besides academic work. You can learn professional knowledge from other club member or teacher, or get to know some friend who have same interest. Some people even turn his hobby into profession. One of my friend who love coffee too much that open a coffee shop on his own after he graduate.
Secondly, enhance you experience. Attending activity hold by school like prom or concert can meet other student that you probably will never met, for example, student from different major or different grades. This is the opportunity to communicate, exchange information, or even develop friendship. Last year, a friend of mine encountered difficulty in homework, then, he went to a social activity at school and met a senior student happened to be familiar with that subject. Since then, they became a very good friend, helping each other with their work.
In conclusion, social or club activity are as much important as class and libraries. This creates another environment and opportunity for student to learn extensive knowledge, increase relationship with others, or even develop a hobby. However, to hold a activity is no cheap, there’s a lot of expense. For example, machines, tools, teacher of the lecture, material, it cost thousands to support a activity to operate. A coffee machine can cost about 5,0000 dollars. If there’s no financial support, it’t hard for student to run a lot of activity.

My test will be taken at 15th of Feb 2020, i know i’m not perfect, please help me!


Hi Jessica, welcome to our forum. As you know, nobody is perfect so relax and focus on those things that are really important in life. Your writing skills are good enough to achieve a decent TOEFL score. Best regards, Torsten

1 Like

Hi, Torsten. Thank you for your encouragement.

1 Like