TOEFL® essay: Living with parents or living independently

Although I’ve joined this forum for quite a long time, this is my first essay in this section :slight_smile: Please help me correct and revise my essay, and evaluate it on a scale of 30 if possible.
Thanks in advance.

Question: Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Others prefer to live with their family for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Nowadays, the development of the society does not only improve the living standard but also affects significantly the lifestyle of some young adults. They do not want to rely on their family any more and prefer an autonomic life. However, I am in favor of staying with my parents because it’s beneficial in many aspects.
To begin with, I can take care of my parents. Since they spent most of their life on fostering me, living with them is the best option for me to pay this back. In this way, I can support them in financial issues as well as mental problems because old people tend to feel lonely living without their children.
Secondly, it helps me save a lot of money. I don’t have to buy a new house, which can be a financial burden since life is getting tough because of the economic recession. As a result, I can use this fund to invest in my business, making more money to sustain not only my parents’ family but also mine in the long run.
Finally, I can learn a lot of experience from my parents when living with them. I am still young and do not know much about the outside-family world, which can be full of deception and danger. My parents, who underwent many sorrow and happiness in their life, will give me the valuable advice, preventing me from being tricked in this money-based society.
In conclusion, although it is said that living with parents discourages the young adults to think and to behave in their own ways, I still believe that it is beneficial in many fields. Later, when I have my own family, I will think and protect my children in the way my parents did to me until they get completely mature.

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Nice essay Yakblack. Only minor faults, but nothing of any consequence.

8/10 Kitos.