The influence of classmates vs parents'

Well, I wrote this essay yesterday and I think it is a little bit long and tangled…
Please help me to correct it. Thx b4h!

Topic :

Classmates are more important influence than parents on a child‘s success in school. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Explain your choice using specific reasons and examples.

A person as a human being socializes from the first moment he began to make sounds. As a result, people as a sure influence mutually in different ways. During the childhood, it is obvious that two sources having the strongest influence on a child is his family and friends, such as classmates. Generally speaking, classmates have as a crucial element as parents affecting a child’s life. However, based on my personal experience, I firmly believe that the classmates take the greater manipulation on a child than parents, especially in view of the school results.

First reason for this claim would be the fact that the classmates spend the most time during the day with a child. Comparing the time a child spending with its family actively to the time being at school, we can assume that there is more than just a possibility for a child to get influenced by classmates. It in turn means a good or even adverse effect. A child then has a tendency to emphasize on the way their friends talk, the action they do as well as the way they live.

Another foremost reason would contain the following aspects. During the time when a child is getting along the pubescence, there is a need of a company of the same age. This allows him to share his mind in order to get the compassion. Not only are the classmates of the same age, they also possess the similar abilities, they are in their “closed society” and on the same level of developing. Moreover, we can clarify this question on the simpler examples. Supposing there is a group of chidren in the class, which encompasses the spoiled children using drugs, frequently missing at school, using unsavory words etc…as a consquence, a child may not be strong enough to resist the temptation of his classmates. He might be feeling he is not so “cool” like his friends. On the other hand, if there is a group of hard working students,under usual circumstances a child would put great efforts in order to get better and better.

Seen from another angle, parents certainly play significant roles in a child’s development. It is widely believed that a family can have an extraordinary impact on the way a child behaves, lives as well as his ambitions and dreams. It can be considered the underlay of a child’s background that can make a child the best but also the worst. Parents can avoid chidren from becoming unintentionally a bad person and also can support the children to pursue their goals.

To sum up, both parents and the classmates spread their influence on a child. However, in my opinion, the classmates somehow can have a bigger impact on a child than parents. On the other hand, ensuring that a child is in a company of responsible classmates should also be of great concern of parents.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from an arts class

Hi Jenny
I have scanned wholly your essay and sincerely give you some of my opinions.First of all, how long did it take you to write this essay? It seemed more than 30 minutes, didn’t it? My advise if your writing skill is not good is to out line your ideas in draft, then try to make your planned essay in time. Secondly, you had better read lots of english context books or, as my daily habit,read yahoo news every day. I believe that it will definitely help you improve my friend.

Hi Bxnl,

Thank you for you advice ;D It took me longer than 30 minutes, exactly it took me one hour to complete it but i was glad to have it done…Now im trying to write well then write in time, but it seems to be that i should mind the time. Im afraid that I cannot come up with any ideas in 30 minutes…because when i took FCE or CAE, i always have 45 minutes to write about 150 - 220 words :frowning:
And can I ask you what do you think is really wrong about this essay??
Anyway thx you so much and I’ll start yahoo reading too :smiley:


Hi Jenny

It is absolutely your grammar mistakes that restrain your improvement. Perhaps you can try my previous topic" how to make a good outline" and write an essay there. Honestly, i will really appreciate that. Have a good day.