The Importance of extended family

Dear Luschen. Would you please evaluate and correct this essay?

The extended family (grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles) is less important now than the past.

No one can ever deny the significant role of extended family in the traditional societies. However, today, different people have different viewpoints about the position of extended family in today’s modern world. From my perspective, extended families are less important today in comparison to the past.
In the first place, I should mention that as a result of human advances over the past decades, governments satisfy most of the needs of the citizens, which leads to less dependent of family members to each other for fulfilling their demands. These demands include such an items like their financial needs of their diseases. As a result, the extended families are less important for us, since we do not need them as we did before.
Second, it goes without saying that people are more engaged in their daily works and do not have much extra time to spend with their family. As a consequence, families have lost their priority and importance in one’s life. What is more, in the contemporary society, youth prefer to spend their little, if any, free time with their peer rather than their extended family. This is mainly because, they spend most of their time in school, university or work with them and feel much more intimacy with them.
Those who are of the opinion that extended families’ importance has not declined may argue that however much humankind develop, their emotional need to their own family lasts forever and so, family’s position does not decline. However, it is my firm conviction that nowadays, families’ members has given their place to the friends for satisfying one’s emotional needs. For instance, I myself prefer to spend my time with my university friends and whenever I face a problem I would rather to consult with one or two of my close friends rather that my family members.
To sum up, I hold the view that extended family is not in the position that they were one day. As I elaborated in the preceding paragraphs, the culprit of this phenomenon is a wide diversity of social and personal factors.

TOEFL listening discussions: How is the young woman financing her education?

Hi Farshad, not that bad of writing, but your essay did not quite “grab me” You had some good reasons, but more detailed and perhaps personal examples would have been effective in driving home your points. Your writing was clear with few grammatical errors, but you did have a few awkward sounding phrases and some sentences that could have been phrased more naturally. Still, overall I would rate this a 4 out of 5.

Would you please guide me a little about my introduction. How can I make it more engaging?