The effect of movies

[PhuongDu]

Thank you very much. Would you mind correcting my essay about the topic below?

Topic: What is the effect of movies on young generation? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In the modern world, electronic devices have played the important roles in daily life of everyone, especially the televisions. There has been a heated debated concerning that movies and television have the negative effect on young generation. However, there is a solid comment that they have the positive effect on us. In my opinion, I agree with the former statement for the two following reasons.

First and foremost, watching too much movie on the television causes an addiction on young children. Nowadays, children pay more attention to the movies broadcasted every day and they can spend a plenty of hours on concentrating the fascinating movies. There are some movies which take the children long time to finish watching, so after that they may feel exhausted and want to go to bed immediately without preparing their school works for the next day.

Secondly, the most important reason is that over watching makes the young people eyes become worse and worse. The movies often have many long series which means that children want to see the end of that film, so they waste too much time that they can do other useful and meaningful activities. Because of the bad effect, the young people’ eyes have the blurred vision that lead to their obscure future.

On the other hand, the movies also have good benefits for young children. The fact is that the movies give them more sources of knowledge and helpful information for their works also daily activities. For instance, when I watch the scientific documents on the television program, I know more about the wild life of the animals, the growing of plants and use it on my homework in the natural ways.

In conclusion, the movies and television have more negative effect on young people. They can cause the addiction for our young generation, also make the bad vision for their eyes and so on. However, we might not determine that television always have the unnecessary effects without giving the persuasive evidence in real life. Overall, everyone has their own ideas about the statement and the way they look is different from the other.

[Luschen]

Hi PhuongDu, your writing was pretty clear in this one, though most of your vocabulary was quite basic and you have many small grammar errors. Your format seems effective, with solid reasons, but your examples did not always fully support those reasons. You talk about addiction but don’t give much evidence that this is a real addiction instead of just a waste of time. And when you talk about vision problems, you once again talk about the waste of time aspect instead of focusing on the vision aspect. I do like the fact that you gave a benefit, as the prompt asks for “the effect”, not whether it is beneficial or detrimental. Here are some other specific suggestions:

@PhuongDu

In the modern world, electronic devices have played {I think “are playing” sounds better here} the important roles in [the] daily life of everyone, especially the televisions. {try to move this modifier closer to the word being modified - so here, “electronic devices, especially televisions, are playing …”} There has been {“This has led to a heated …” makes the relationship between this sentence and the previous one more clear} a heated [debate] concerning [whether] movies and television have [a ] negative effect on [the] young generation. However, there is a solid comment {“comment” is incorrect here - maybe “viewpoint”} that they have the positive effect on us. In my opinion, I agree with the former statement for the two following reasons.{try not to use “former statement” in your thesis. The thesis should be able to stand alone, without have to refer to a “former statement”, so be more explicit}

First and foremost, watching too [many] [movies] on the television causes an addiction [in] young children. Nowadays, children pay more attention {more than what? With “more” you need a comparison - more than school? more than in the past? or you could say “pay too much attention” or “pay so much”} to the movies broadcasted every day and they can spend a plenty of hours on concentrating [on] the fascinating movies. There are some movies [that] take the children [a ]long time to finish watching, so after that they may feel exhausted and want to go to bed immediately without preparing their school [work] {work here is non-countable singular} for the next day.

Secondly, the most important reason is that [over-watching] {this sounds a bit odd though} makes the young [people’s] eyes become worse and worse. The movies often have many long [scenes,] {or maybe you mean the movies have many sequels, or the television series has many episodes} which means that children want to see the end of that film, so they waste too much time that they [could have spent doing] other useful and meaningful activities. Because of the bad effect, the young [people’s] eyes have the blurred vision that [leads] to their obscure future. {this is an interesting play on words, but I am not sure it is appropriate for an essay like this }

On the other hand, the movies also have good benefits for young children. The fact is that the movies give them more sources of knowledge and helpful information for their [work as well as their] daily activities. For instance, when I watch the scientific [documentaries] on the television [network], I [come to] know {or “I learn more”} more about the wild life of the animals, the [growth] of plants and use it on my homework in the natural ways. {“the natural ways” is unclear - maybe “homework in my natural history course”}

In conclusion, the movies and television have more negative [effects] on young people. They can cause [an] addiction for our young generation, also [cause] bad vision for their eyes and so on. However, we might not determine that television always [has] the unnecessary effects without giving the persuasive evidence in real life. {this sentence is a little confusing to me} Overall, everyone has their own ideas about the statement and the way they look [at this controversy] is different from the other.