teenagers jobs

In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.

 People have to hard work for achieving a comfortable life that is their goal. I believe that teenagers should work when they are student for three reasons: help to pay tuition, learn how to be responsible, and get experience for future.

First, nowadays universities are expensive, students must get a loan, or their parents have to pay for them. If they can work, they will pay a little of their tuition themselves. For example, my sister is studying at the University of Maryland. She got a loan for 30k last year. Now she is working part time, and she will pay a little of her payment each month.
Second, working students can learn how they to be responsible. They can learn how to manage their money and time. When they are working part time, they can have a weekly plan. Teenagers can spend their time with family, friends, and study. For example, my sister works 20 hours every week. She goes out with her friends on Sundays, spends time with her families on Saturdays, and schedules a plan for study and work, classes.
Last, teenagers get a good experience when they are students. This helps to them that will become ready for getting in to society and future. Teenagers never learn and get confidence how to communicate to people with study books in classes. When they work and study, they have a good opportunity to learn different ways even when they work internship without earn salary.
In conclusion, I believe that teenagers should work when they are student for three reasons: help to pay tuition, learn how to be responsible, and get experience for future

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture on Animal Behavior by a professor of Biology

HI Ladansh, I really think your writing is getting better. You have some excellent examples and fewer errors in usage than before. I have made some changes that are not really corrections, but more like improvements. Always try to explictiy tie everything back to the prompt and your thesis. I know it is obvious that you are talking about students working, but it makes your writing easier to understand and more convincing if you state this explicitly where necessary. Your writing was pretty clear, although you do have some mistakes in prepositions and gerunds/infinitives. Overall, I would rate this a 3.5 out of 5.

thank you so much for helping me