Success

[Quang1997]

I’m Phuong, Quang’s sister, would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: Some people believe that success in life comes from taking risks or chances. Others believe that success results from careful planning. In your opinion, what does success come from? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

If a person has no opportunity, one’s possibility of success is zero. Nevertheless, it is also difficult for someone to get success without planning carefully, no matter how many chances come to him. It will be more difficult when a well work-out plan is not going on as expected. At that time, an adventure in changing direction timely is very important to be able to achieve successful results. In other words, success is a combination between taking risks and making a scheme, namely.

First of all, a certain opportunity is one of the most important factors leading to success. Reality has showed that there are a lot of situations in which they cannot succeed due to lack of chances. For example, a graduate has a plan to open his own business, but his plan requires too many resources. However, if he cannot get help from others people, there is no chance for him to make his plan become real.

Secondly, being well-prepared plays a vital role in one’s success. Without a careful preparation, no one makes use of chances that they receive. Every year, hundreds of thousands of students try to attend to a desirable university or college. However, only those who have an effective studying plan and follow their plan until the last possible moment can get into universities or colleges they want.

Thirdly, simple recipe of success does not exist. I like story about one multimillionaire, who explain how he achieve his current status. He started from buying a box of cookies and sold them separately. Then he bought two boxes and sold all cookies again. After couple of iterations he received inheritance and become multimillionaire. It sounds pessimistically, but very realistic. In real life success is a matter of both factors. One can plan his business very carefully, but loses everything from extraordinary events. Thousands of small businesses disappeared every year because they were unlucky and they have been beaten in a competitive activity.

Finally, a person also can’t have the game in his hand if he does not change the original schedule when something unexpectedly happens. For instance, a fashion designer has a plan to organize a fashion show outside for his summer fashionable collection next month. The success of this fashion show depends on the weather so much because. It is held outdoors. Unfortunately, according to the forecast before a week, there will be rain on that day. So, choosing an indoor place instead of the old one is essential for him to run a fashion parade smoothly.

In conclusion, almost success starts from having a careful scheduled plan when a chance comes to, but when things go against the plan, it is necessary to find out another way in order to deal with it.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why does the student visit the professor?

[Luschen]

Hi Phuong, your writing is very good in this one, but your main points are a little hard to follow. You talk about what boils down to luck a lot in your body paragraphs, but this doesn’t really have anything to do with your thesis. I think you need to either modify your thesis to talk about how luck is the third critical factor, or remove the parts about luck from your body paragraphs. I do like your examples though, and your multimillionaire story is pretty funny. It is similar to “You know what’s the easiest way to become a millionaire? Answer: start out as a billionaire” Generally your sentences are clear, but you do have a few confusing and awkward phrases here and there. Here are some specific suggestions:

@Quang1997

I’m Phuong, Quang’s sister, would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: Some people believe that success in life comes from taking risks or chances. Others believe that success results from careful planning. In your opinion, what does success come from? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

If a person has no opportunity, one’s possibility of success is zero. Nevertheless, it is also difficult for someone to get {“achieve” might be better here} success without planning carefully, no matter how many chances come to him. It will be more difficult when a well work[ed]-out plan is not going on{“progressing” might be better} as expected. At that time, an adventure in changing direction timely {“adventure in changing direction timely” is confusing - what do you mean? “changing direction in a timely manner” is better, but the adventure part is still confusing} is very important to be able to achieve successful results. In other words, success is a combination between taking risks and making a scheme, namely.

First of all, a certain opportunity {“a certain opportunity” is a little unclear to me} is one of the most important factors leading to success. Reality has [shown] that there are a lot of situations in which they {who is “they”? you haven’t used noun yet in this paragraph that “they” could refer to} cannot succeed due to lack of chances. For example, a graduate [may have] a plan to open his own business, but his plan requires too many resources. However [Therefore], if he cannot get help from [other] people, there is no chance for him to make his plan become real. {I am not sure which side this paragraph is meant to support - having an opportunity does not really involve taking a risk or having a plan. Instead it involves luck, which is not really part of the prompt}

Secondly, being well-prepared plays a vital role in one’s success. Without a careful preparation, no one makes use of chances that they receive. Every year, hundreds of thousands of students try to attend to a desirable university or college. However, only those who have an effective studying plan and follow their plan until the last possible moment {“until the last possible moment” is not correct here - this implies waiting as long as possible and then doing something. What you need here is “diligently follow their plan until the very end”} can get into universities or colleges they want.

Thirdly, [a ]simple recipe [for] success does not exist. I like [the] story about one multimillionaire, who [explained] how he [achieved] his current status. He started from {“by” or “with” sound better here} buying a box of cookies and [selling] {here “buying and selling” are the objects of the preposition “from”, so they must be gerunds} them separately. Then he bought two boxes and sold all [the] cookies again. After couple of iterations he received [an] inheritance and become [a ]multimillionaire. [The story] sounds [pessimistic], but very realistic. {once again, this focuses on luck rather than risk or planning} In real life success is a matter of both factors. One can plan his business very carefully, but [may lose] everything from extraordinary events. Thousands of small businesses [disappear] every year because they were unlucky and they have been beaten in a competitive activity.

Finally, a person also can’t have the game in his hand {“have the game in his hand” sounds pretty odd} if he does not change the original schedule when something unexpectedly happens. For instance, [say] {or “imagine”} a fashion designer has a plan to organize a fashion show outside for his summer fashionable collection next month. The success of this fashion show depends on the weather so much [because it] is held outdoors. Unfortunately, according to the forecast [a week] before [the event] a week, there will be rain on that day. So, choosing an indoor place {“location” sounds better here} instead of the [original] old one is essential for him to run [the] fashion parade smoothly.

In conclusion, almost success [almost always] starts from having a careful scheduled plan when a chance [arrives]comes to, but when things go against the plan, it is necessary to find out another way in order to deal with it.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why does the student visit the professor?