Sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than other people

[VickieZ]

Hi Luschen,

Please kindly review and rate my IELTS essay writings. Many thanks!

【WRITING TASK 2
Write about the following topic:

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.
Discuss both these views and give you own opinion.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write about 250 words.】

My essay:
There has been a fierce debate over whether it’s fair or not that successful sports professionals earn a weigh larger amount of money than people have other significant occupations. Those who find it justified argue that sports professionals have devoted a great deal of time into their career before becoming famous. While others who hold the opposite views attribute the sports stars’ success mainly to their natural advantages. I’m inclined to believe it’s justified for the successful sports professionals to earn a good fortune as they have sacrificed a great deal to make everything happen.

Certainly, I strongly agree that many of the sports stars’ success is due to their unparalleled inherited benefits, such as the perfect height for a basketball player. In addition, it’s unfair to people in other important professions who probably have spent as much time for their career but make less fortune.

However, as far as I’m concerned, perfect height and strong body doesn’t necessarily make a successful basketball player. You can hardly name one player who hasn’t adopted rigorous trainings from an early age. The truth is, they have sacrificed much of their leisure time for practice, more importantly, injuries never abandon them. It’s truly justified when every one look at the diligence and the endless efforts they make, in addition to the superior physical conditions.

In conclusion, it appears to me that successful sports professionals earning much more money than other important professionals are justified to a large extent.

【WRITING TASK 2
Write about the following topic:

Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write about 250 words.】

My essay:
There has been a debate on whether the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect on the power of advertising or the real needs of the society. It appears to me that the former is more convincing as advertisements nowadays have dominated our daily lives and have had a significant impact on the purchasing decisions we make.

Those who hold the opposite viewpoints might consider that consumers nowadays are tend to be more mature and sensible towards buying stuff. They are inclined to purchase the goods that they genuinely need rather than be easily influenced by the commercials. Thus, the consumer goods that enjoy a high sales volume reflect the needs of the society to a large extent.

Strongly, I would argue that the huge power of advertising is the main reason behind the high sales of the popular consumer goods. Take myself as an example, no matter which street I stand on, in Shanghai, Hong Kong, Tokyo, or any other cities across the globe, I see non-stop commercials everywhere anytime. It seems there is a voice constantly echoing in my ear “buy, buy, buy”. And undoubtedly it has an impact on me, which propels me to purchase the stuff I don’t need. I firmly believe it not only happens to me, but to a lot of people. The truth is our business world is somewhat built on the commercials, making people buy more and then want more.

In conclusion, from my point of view, the tremendous power of the advertisements greatly result in the high sales of popular consumer goods. Certainly, I am also confident that there are still a number of sensible consumers who make independent decisions thus are difficult to be influenced by the commercials. Their choices could reflect the real needs of the society.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a social sciences class (2)

[Luschen]

Hi Vickie, I think your writing is pretty good. I am not sure I really like your template based format, especially your introductions, but maybe that is the safest way to get the score you need, I am not sure. In any case, your first essay seemed to have a few more grammatical errors and mistakes in word choice and really was not as convincing as it could have been - I would rate it a band 6.5. I thought your second essay was better - I especially liked your personal example and your vocabulary seemed stronger and more appropriate with fewer errors. I would rate that one a band 7.

@VickieZ

Hi Luschen,

Please kindly review and rate my IELTS essay writings. Many thanks!

【WRITING TASK 2
Write about the following topic:

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.
Discuss both these views and give you own opinion.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write about 250 words.】

My essay:
There has been a fierce debate over whether it’s{avoid contractions} fair or not that successful sports professionals earn a weigh {“weigh” doesn’t make sense here} larger amount of money than people [who] have other significant occupations. Those who find it justified argue that sports professionals have devoted a great deal of time into their career before becoming famous[, w]hile {this was not a complete sentence} others who hold the opposite views attribute the sports stars’ success mainly to their natural advantages. I’m inclined to believe it’s justified for the successful sports professionals to earn a good fortune {“good fortune” means luck, so it sounds odd here} as they have sacrificed a great deal to make everything{“everything” sounds a bit vague - try to avoid using “thing” - here you could say “to make their athletic careers happen”} happen.

Certainly, I strongly agree that m[uch] of the sports stars’ success is due to their unparalleled inherited benefits, such as {I would add “having” here} the perfect height for a basketball player. In addition, it’s {what is “it” here? this paragraph is not very convincing to me} unfair to people in other important professions who probably have spent as much time for their career but make less [money]fortune.

However, as far as I’m concerned, [having the]perfect height and [a ]strong body doesn’t necessarily make a successful basketball player. You can hardly name one player who hasn’t adopted rigorous trainings{“training” is non-countable singular} from an early age. The truth is, they have sacrificed much of their leisure time for practice, more importantly, injuries never abandon {“abandon” is wrong here - maybe “deter”} them. It’s {once again “it” is a little vague} truly justified when every one look[s ] at the diligence and the endless efforts they make, in addition to the[ir] superior physical conditions.

In conclusion, it appears to me that successful sports professionals earning much more money than other important professionals are[is] justified to a large extent. {“earning” is the subject, but this sentence could be formulated better to make that more clear}

【WRITING TASK 2
Write about the following topic:

Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write about 250 words.】

My essay:
There has been a debate on whether the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect on the power of advertising or the real needs of the society. It appears to me that the former is more convincing as advertisements nowadays have dominated our daily lives and have had a significant impact on the purchasing decisions we make.

Those who hold the opposite viewpoints might consider that consumers nowadays are tend to be more mature and sensible towards buying stuff. {“stuff” sounds a bit too informal for an IELTS essay} They are inclined to purchase the goods that they genuinely need rather than be easily influenced by the commercials. Thus, the consumer goods that enjoy a high sales volume reflect the needs of the society to a large extent.

Strongly,[Conversely,] I would [strongly] argue that the huge power of advertising is the main reason behind the high sales of the popular consumer goods. Take myself as an example, no matter which street I stand on, in Shanghai, Hong Kong, Tokyo, or any other cit[y ] across the globe, I see non-stop commercials everywhere anytime. It seems there is a voice constantly echoing in my ear “buy, buy, buy”. And undoubtedly it has an impact on me, which propels me to purchase the stuff I don’t need. I firmly believe it not only happens to me, but to a lot of people. The truth is our business world is somewhat built on the{“these” seems better} commercials, making people buy more and then want more.

In conclusion, from my point of view, the tremendous power of the advertisements greatly {“greatly” sounds a bit odd here - maybe just “result” or “greatly contribute to the high …”] result in the high sales of popular consumer goods. Certainly, I am also confident that there are still a number of sensible consumers who make independent decisions thus are difficult[resistant] to be[ing] influenced by the commercials. {or maybe “and thus are difficult to influence through the use of commercials”}Their choices could reflect the real needs of the society.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a social sciences class (2)

[Beeesneees]

TITLE EDITED.
Please help everyone to make the most of this forum and its resources by giving your threads meaningful and relevant subject lines.

[VickieZ]

Hi Luschen,

Thank much for your kind comments. I very much agree with you, especially for the first essay. The thing is, time is really tight when taking the IELTS writing test, so I suppose it might be helpful to prepare some formats in advance. It also seems to me that the format I used is not very good.

Besides I rewrited the first essay. Would you mind to take a look? Thanks a lot!

【WRITING TASK 2
Write about the following topic:

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.
Discuss both these views and give you own opinion.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write about 250 words.】

Is it justified that successful sports professionals earn a larger amount of money than people in other significant occupations? This question generates a lot of debate. Some people are inclined to think it’s perfectly justified, while others strongly hold the opposite viewpoints. From my perspective, it is fair for the sports stars to earn a great deal more money as the efforts and sacrifices they make are usually tremendous. More importantly, some of they are regarded as idols, inspiring people especially the young generation to work harder.

Some people might argue the main reason behind the sports professionals’ success is that they naturally inherit satisfactory physical traits, such as having a perfect height for a basketball player. However, the ordinary people who are not fortunately enough to be physically outstanding, need to work very hard to succeed in a particular field therefore make the amount of money as the sports professionals do.

As far as I am concerned, having the perfect height and a strong body does not necessarily make a successful basketball player. Consider this, what if the people in other significant professions we talk about have respectable social status, is it fair we attribute their success to this factor? Regarding the sports professionals, most of them have adopted rigorous training from an early age, at the expense of their leisure time. What’s more, it appears to me no matter how successful many of the sports stars look like today, they must have failed plenty of times before outshining their peers. Their diligence, perservance in addition to their success were, are and will continue to encourage the young people to achieve more.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that it is justified for the successful sports professionals to earn much more money than people hold other important positions due to their efforts, sacrifices and the capability to inspire others.

[Luschen]

Hi Vickie, I thought this was a big improvement - still a few errors though. Please see my suggestions below.

@VickieZ

Hi Luschen,

Thank much for your kind comments. I very much agree with you, especially for the first essay. The thing is, time is really tight when taking the IELTS writing test, so I suppose it might be helpful to prepare some formats in advance. It also seems to me that the format I used is not very good.

Besides I rewrited the first essay. Would you mind to take a look? Thanks a lot!

【WRITING TASK 2
Write about the following topic:

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.
Discuss both these views and give you own opinion.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write about 250 words.】

Is it justified that successful sports professionals earn a larger amount of money than people in other significant occupations? This question generates a lot of debate. Some people are inclined to think it’s perfectly justified, while others strongly hold the opposite viewpoin[t ]. From my perspective, it is fair for the sports stars to earn a great deal more money as the efforts and sacrifices they make are usually tremendous. More importantly, some of they are regarded as idols, inspiring people[,] especially the young generation[,] to work harder.

Some people might argue the main reason behind the sports professionals’ success is that they naturally inherit satisfactory[exceptional] physical traits, such as having a perfect height for a basketball player. However, the ordinary people who are not fortunat[e ] enough to be physically outstanding, need to work very hard to succeed in a particular field[, yet still never] therefore make the amount of money as the sports professionals do. {it seemed more convincing this way}

As far as I am concerned, having the perfect height and a strong body does not necessarily make a successful basketball player. Consider this, what if the people in other significant professions we talk about have respectable social status[? I]s it fair we attribute their success to this factor? {this sounds a little confusing, I was thinking you were saying that their respectable social status comes from their profession}Regarding the sports professionals, most of them have adopted rigorous training from an early age, at the expense of their leisure time. What’s more, it appears to me no matter how successful many of the sports stars look like today, {you “look successful”, or you “look like a success”} they must have failed plenty of times before outshining their peers. Their diligence[ and] perservance in addition to their success were, are and will continue to encourage {this doesn’t makes sense, as “were encourage” and “are encourage” are incorrect} the young people to achieve more.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that it is justified for the successful sports professionals to earn much more money than people [who] hold other important positions due to their efforts, sacrifices and the capability to inspire others.