Sport is becoming a business with high income for professionals and more companies have involved in financial and in other ways. It is a positive or negative development?

[Hoalethi]

Nowadays, the business of sports tends to obviously increase, which is of great benefit to professionals and investors. This trend have both pro and cons, however, the merits of this trend may far outweigh the demerits.

There are a whole host of advantages because sport is also a big-league economic driver and a job creator. This is because contacts from different sport companies offer professionals with a guaranted salary, which gives the players some financial security even if the matches do not go well. In turn, private companies also make a killing from games or matches thanks to entrance fees, advertisements and other services since there is a large audience who are willing to pay. Moreover, It is beyond doubt that the contribution of sports as a sector to many countries’ economy has increased over the past decades. Not only sport creates jobs that reduce unemployment, but also supports other economic sectors such as tourism and infrastructure development.

Nevertheless, there are many bad situations when the participation of companies and their sponsorship has made games become not transparent. As a bad truth that many sport companies might resort to fraud in order to obtain economic and political benefits. For example, rules for sports leagues and competitions favour or give one club an advantage than others. The competition principle could be infrindged if clubs in the same association or league are deprived of the opportunity to complete. Therefore, when sports and economy are tied to another, it is difficult for audiences to have fair matches. However, the law has also been enacted to prevent such companies from crossing the line.

In conclusion, we can not deny that sport has transformed itself from a social activity into an economic activity with potential to spur economic development due to increased involvement of many companies. Although this trend is not without disadvantages, but the upsides will justify these.

[Luschen]

Hi Hoalethi, I thought your writing was overall quite good and you had a few phrases in there that were really exceptional. The main problem here is that you have not addressed the prompt in the correct way. This is not a “discuss both sides” essay prompt, it is a “do you agree or disagree” prompt. For this prompt you should not discuss the advantages of both sides, instead you must pick one side or the other and argue exclusively for that side. Besides this, I am not sure you exactly captured the companies’ involvement in athletics. There are the teams that hire the athletes and play the games, and then there are outside but associated companies who pay the players to use their products and appear in advertisements, and also pay the team to advertise on the field and to show the games on tv. You have sort of mixed these different groups together in your essay, especially in the first body paragraph.
In your second body paragraph, you really only have one reason. If this was a “discuss both sides and give your opinion” style prompt, then two reasons for each side would be better - here I would go with the idea that money is ruining the soul of the sports, that people should play because they love the game, but now all the athletes seem to care about is money and there is no loyalty to one’s team any longer.

Remember, it is critical to recognize what type of prompt you have, so you can structure your essay accordingly. Here are some other specific suggestions:

@Hoalethi

Nowadays, the business of sports {“the sports industry” is a good paraphrase here} tends to {“tends to” sounds odd here - you need something like, " … the sports industry is growing at a tremendous pace / is growing by leaps and bounds / is increasing faster and faster each year"} obviously increase, which is of great benefit to professionals {do you mean the professional athletes or the professional businessmen? I little ambiguous} and investors. This trend [has] both pro and cons, however, the merits of this trend may {“may” doesn’t really belong here - you could say “may not far outweigh” and it would mean about the same thing - be more definitive} far outweigh the demerits.

There are a whole host of advantages {advantages to what? Restate the idea once more in the topic sentence - “to athletics becoming an financial powerhouse, because”} because sport is also a big-league {oh, this is great - big league! } economic driver and a job creator. This is because [contracts] from different [sports] companies {or better, “sporting goods companies” - oh, oops, I thought you meant Nike and Adidas - sports teams are not called companies, even though they may make a lot of money} offer professionals with a [guaranteed] salary, which gives the players some financial security even if the matches do not go well. In turn, private companies also make a killing {“make a killing” is an excellent idiom to use here} from games or matches thanks to entrance fees, advertisements and other services since there is a large audience who are willing to pay. {this sentence though is a little confusing - the entrance fees go to the teams. What you need to mention here are those sporting goods companies that pay for players to wear their products and in return make millions from fans who want to dress just like their favorite superstars. Plus tv networks who pay millions more to show the games on their channel, as well as the advertisers you briefly mentioned} Moreover, It is beyond doubt that the contribution of sports as a sector to many countries’ economy has increased over the past decades. {why? - maybe "as the global sports phenomenon, especially in football, spreads to countries never previously involved in organized sports.} Not only [do sports create] jobs that reduce unemployment, but [they also supports other economic sectors such as tourism and infrastructure development.

Nevertheless, there are many bad situations when the participation of companies and their sponsorship has made games become [less] transparent. {or “become corrupt”} [It is a sad] truth that many sport companies might resort to fraud in order to obtain economic and political benefits. For example, rules for sports leagues and competitions [may] {or “often”] favour or give one club an advantage [over] others. The competition principle {maybe better, “the purity of competition”} could be [infringed] if clubs in the same association or league are deprived of the opportunity to complete. Therefore, when sports and economy are tied to another, it is difficult for audiences to have fair matches. However, [laws have thoughtfully] also been enacted to prevent such companies from crossing the line.

In conclusion, we can not deny that sport has transformed itself from a social activity into an economic activity {this is a really good phrase!} with [the] potential to spur economic development due to increased involvement of many companies. Although this trend is not without disadvantages, but {don’t use both “although” and “but” together like this} the upsides will justify these.