Some scientists think it is very soon that computers will be more intelligent than human. Some people think it is a positive development, while others think it is a negative development. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

[sonmai1208]

The proliferation of science and technology has ceaselessly changed the world. Moreover, artificial intelligence has been replacing human in every walks of life. Although some claim that this change has negative impacts on human society, in my opinion, it generates more surplus value for the whole community.

On the one hand, it is important to recognize that the faster computers develop, the more unemployed people are. For example, in IELTS examinations, the tests conducted on computers are organized and inspected by less supervisors than that in the past performed on papers. Analogously, the same trend is repeated on another fields, which no sooner or later lead people to unemployment. Consequently, this enhancement left a terrible headache for the general public.

On the one hand, the human well-being may fail to be fully comprehensive without intelligent computers. There is no room for doubt that computer science facilitates and accelerates most of social sections ranging from medical to economy. For instance, in medical treatment, scientists are able to capitalize their specialist competence to study and do research thanks to the intervention of dedicated computing system. In other words, the advancement of sophisticated computer technology plays an integral part in scientific and medical activities/experiments. Furthermore, computers connects people, governments immediately which keep the momentum of the rate of global trade growth via the Internet. As a result, foreign affairs among countries in the world will be promoted, which accounts for the prosperity of human society. In short, artificial intelligence based on computers is crucial for the next generations.

In conclusion, the significant growth of science and technology especially in computer fields is reasonable, acceptable. It is worth to investing in this melioration/development given that its advantages somehow outweigh its disadvantages.

[Luschen]

Hi Sonmai, welcome to the forum. Your English seems pretty good, and I appreciate that you are trying to stretch your vocabulary, but a lot of your word choices just don’t seem to work that well. As a result you have quite a few phrases that seem too vague or undefined - I prefer clarity over needless complexity! I think your overall format is good, but I don’t feel like you have devoted enough attention to giving your own opinion.
You sort of tacked it on the very end but did not give much explanation for exactly why you hold your opinion.
Here are some additional suggestions:

@sonmai1208

The proliferation of science and technology has ceaselessly changed {“has ceaselessly” sounds a bit odd, since we don’t know yet if it is ceaseless - I would suggest - “Is ceaselessly changing the world”} the world. [In particular], {moreover signals additional information, which is not exactly the case here} artificial intelligence has been replacing [humans] in every [walk] of life. Although some claim that this change has negative impacts on human society, {“human” seems superfluous - what other kind of society would we be talking about?} in my opinion, it generates more surplus value {“surplus value” seems too vague - exactly what do you mean?} for the whole community.

On the one hand, it is important to recognize that the faster computers develop, the more unemployed people [there] are. For example, in IELTS examinations, the tests conducted on computers are organized and inspected by [fewer] supervisors than [those] in the past [that were] performed on papers. {“that were given on paper” sounds better} Analogously, {this is a great transition word! I need to remember this one} the same trend is repeated [in] another fields, which no sooner or later [leads] people to unemployment. Consequently, this enhancement [has resulted in] left a terrible headache {“headache” might not be the best - it usually means an irritating but probably short term problem. Here it seems too mild for what seems to be a long term problem with no real solution} for the general public. {this is a good paragraph, but you jumped right into the examples before clarifying your reasoning. I would add a sentence or two explaining why faster computers = more unemployment}

On the one hand, {still on the same hand? But seriously, I prefer “on the one hand” to be followed by “in contrast” or something similar, for the same reason I don’t really like “Firstly … secondly … thirdly” - I guess I like variety} the human {“human” is generally used when talking about biology or to differentiate us from animals. So here I read humans need computers but animals do not, which may be true but is probably not the point you are stressing} well-being may fail to be fully comprehensive without intelligent computers. {this sentence seems very vague - what does comprehensive well-being mean?} There is no room for doubt that computer science facilitates and accelerates most of social sections {social sections sounds odd and unclear - maybe "most facets of modern life, ranging …} ranging from [medicine] to [the] economy. For instance, in medical treatment, scientists are able to capitalize their specialist competence [as specialists] to study and do research thanks to the intervention {“intervention” sounds odd here, like the computers are intervening to prevent the doctors from making a mistake} of dedicated computing [systems]. In other words, the advancement of sophisticated computer technology plays an integral part in scientific and medical activities [and] experiments. {not sure what the slash was for - maybe you were asking if either word would work - if so, the answer is yes} Furthermore, computers [connect] people[ and] {don’t use a comma to replace “and” or “or”. This is very common in Vietnamese English, but is not standard} governments immediately[,] which [keeps] the momentum of the rate of global trade growth via the Internet.{“keeps the momentum of the rate of growth” sounds awkward} As a result, foreign affairs among countries in the world will be {this switch from present tense to future tense sounds odd here - maybe “will continue to be promoted”} promoted, which accounts {now you switched back to present tense, which sounds odd - something in the future cannot account for something that is happening now} for the prosperity of human society. In short, artificial intelligence based on computers is crucial for the next generations.

In conclusion, the significant growth of science and technology especially in computer fields is reasonable [and] acceptable. It is worth to investing in this melioration/development {I have only seen the word “amelioration” in IELTS essays and I have never seen melioration before today To me it sounds like using it would be sacrificing clarity for complexity} given that its advantages somehow {“somehow” is incorrect here - “Somehow” in this context means you don’t know exactly why or how it is true. - “Somehow I will make it home for Christmas holidays.” “Somehow I always lose my keys right before I am ready to leave the house.”} outweigh its disadvantages.

[sonmai1208]

thank you so much for your help. I will try my best to improve my writing skills.

[miot]

Oh, the “on the one hand”-issue attracted my attention. Wouldn´t it be logical to write: “on the one hand” vs “on the other hand” ?