Some people think that people who choose a job early and keep doing it are more likely to have a satisfying career life than those who frequently change jobs. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

[Rosie]

Hello, me again I have just finished this essay this morning. Personally, I think my essay has a few sentences that are sound quite awkward. It’s just so nice of you if you can read and give the best feedback for me. Thank you so much

There are widely differing views on the issue of whether engaging in one job or regularly altering occupation will bring more job satisfaction to employees. In spite of being loyal to one position will give the worker the promotion opportunities, I firmly believe that people who not stay the same career over a period will be more pleasant about their working life.

Firstly, people who change job can set their own goals and follow their own passions. Thus, they are confident enough to grasp the opportunities. For example, the research carried out British Columbia University has shown that 73% employees of those companies which are developing in such recent fields like Information Technology, Digital Marketing, and Human Resources Management are job-hoppers. The reason is simple, said by sociologist Mark Arvin, because job-hoppers have learned how to deal with the ups and downs and not fear the shacking and shocking career. So they dare to challenge themselves. Not only can they acquire more skills but also they have chances to put the knowledge gained into practice. Therefore, they will end up doing the exact job that is appropriate for them.

Secondly, working in various areas will help the worker to obtain fresh experiences and be equipped with a wide-ranging network. In other words, the occupation switch will give people chances to work in different working environments, meet new peoples and build up their social skills. For instance, Henry Miller decided to leave his everyday job despite a good salary and ventured to try other works. And after all, he became one of the most famous and well-paid authors of the twentieth century. Since then, he has thousands of fans around the world who love his books, so that we can say changing job gives people a lot of chances to be more satisfied.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that job changing will lead to a satisfying career than a fixed occupation because of the opportunities and wonderful experiences that staying at the same job can never bring to employees.

[Luschen]

Hi Rosie, I think you addressed the prompt well and used the correct format for this essay type. I would try to expand your conclusion just a little so you don’t have a one-sentence paragraph. I agree with you that overall your writing was clear, but you did have a few sentences that were a bit confusing or did not sound natural.
I really liked your detailed and specific examples though - they did a good job of reinforcing your arguments.
Here are some other suggestions:

@Rosie

There are widely differing views on the issue of whether engaging in one job [and sticking to it throughout their entire careers] or regularly altering [their ]occupation will bring more job satisfaction to employees. In spite of being loyal to one position will give the worker the promotion opportunities [that being loyal to one position provides to a worker], I firmly believe that people who [choose] not [to] stay the same career over a period will be more pleasant about their working life. {this last phrase is wrong - to “be pleasant” is to be nice or kind or courteous - not what you mean here - try satisfied, content, fulfilled, gratified}

Firstly, people who change [jobs] can set their own goals and follow their own passions. Thus, {I am not sure “thus” is the best transition - this is more of a restatement than a result - I would go with “In other words” or “To put it another way” or “In short”} they are confident enough to grasp the opportunities. For example, the research carried out [by] British Columbia University has shown that 73% employees of those companies which are developing [most quickly] {or "which are leading the development in "} in such recent fields [as] {a good rule is to use “as” with “such” - you would not say “sports such like basketball, soccer, and football”, you say “such as basketball, soccer, and football” } Information Technology, Digital Marketing, and Human Resources Management are job-hoppers. The reason is simple, [stated] sociologist Mark Arvin[; it is] because job-hoppers have learned how to deal with the ups and downs [of a fast-paced field] and not fear the shacking and shocking career. {“shacking and shocking career” does not make sense - maybe “and do not fear failure or even getting fired, instead viewing setbacks as new opportunities.” }So they dare to challenge themselves. Not only can they acquire more skills but also they have chances to put the knowledge gained into practice. Therefore, they will end up doing the exact job that is appropriate for them. {it was good up till this last sentence. This seems to be what you are arguing against - finding that one exact job and staying it it. Better to say “Therefore they will remain resilient, moving from job to job as their abilities improve and the markets transform.”}

Secondly, working in various areas will help the worker to obtain fresh experiences and be equipped with a wide-ranging network. In other words, the occupation switch will give people chances to work in different working environments, meet new peoples {it would be “people” but better to say “coworkers” or “colleagues”} and build up their social skills. For instance, Henry Miller decided to leave his everyday job despite a good salary and ventured to try other works.{“work” in this context is singular non-countable} And [in the end], {after all has a different meaning: After all - Idioms by The Free Dictionary } he became one of the most famous and well-paid authors of the twentieth century. Since then, he has [garnered] thousands of fans around the world who love his books, so that we can say changing [their] job gives people a lot of chances to be more satisfied.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that job changing {“job hopping” would be a good idiom here} will lead to a [more] satisfying career than [remaining in] a fixed occupation because of the opportunities and wonderful experiences that staying at the same job can never bring to employees. {this last sentence sounds unclear - maybe “… experiences that will be missed by staying at the same job”.

[Rosie]

Thank you so much
If you were an examiner, what score you would give me?