Some people believe [famous] people's support towards [international] aid [organizations] draws attention to problems. Others think celebrities make the [problems seem] less important. Discuss both views and give your opinion

[Nguy_n_Ng_c_Minh_Tra]

Hi Luschen, will you please have a look at my essay? Your comments mean a lot to me. Thank you.

It has achieved a widespread acceptance that support from famous people towards international aid organization greatly draws attention to problems whereas others believe that these people only make the problem less crucial. In this essay, both views will be thoroughly discussed and my opinion will be clearly stated.

On the one hand, celebrities, along witht their widespread influence, will bring many merits when they join in international aid organizations. First of all, celebrity is regarded as a centre of attention, anything they do will constantly be in the public eye. As a result, their participation in any philanthropic activities will widely spread without spending much effort compared to that of a government representative on TV news. Secondly, possessing a massive fan-base, celebrities could easily call for greater amount of attention, even from people who are not interest in social issues.Charitable activities are usually underestimated and appear monotonous among the youngsters in today’s society, For instance, an internationally recognized singer, Taylor Swift, could raise addtional support and awareness from her fan base, which includes the youngest of 13.

On the other hand, some people may argue that celebrities tend to make the problem less essential. One notable reason is that the general public usually associate famous people with trivial issues, which means that they engage in an aid fund is purely of entertainment. Taking part in a certain activity, these people, being all image and no substance, only focus on their top priority of enhancing popularity. Another point worth mentioning is that people tend to place higher value on academically involved scholars such as scientists, professors and doctors. when it comes to acknowledging information. This is mainly due to the good characteristics that these people bring about, which celebrities sometimes seem to lack.

In conclusion, while celebrities, for several reasons, seem to make the problem less crucial, I believe that they make a good means of drawing people’s attention.

[Luschen]

Hi Nguy, I think you had some really good ideas in your body paragraphs. I espeically liked your second body paragraph where you talked about the celebrities’ selfish motivations for supporting these causes. You did have some vague sounding sentences that could have been a little more specific. I do think your prompt was not exactly phrased right. A celebrity can’t really make the problem less important, they can only make it seem or appear less important. Also, I don’t think you discussed your personal opinion enough. Why exactly do you believe as you do? What are the reasons that you find most compelling? What exactly do you think celebrities should do concerning this issue? These are questions I don’t feel that you adequately answered in your conclusion. Here are some other comments:

@Nguy_n_Ng_c_Minh_Tra

It has achieved a widespread acceptance that support from famous people towards international aid [organizations] {try not to repeat the prompt word for word - rephrase it in your own words so that it is clear you understand the issue} greatly draws attention to problems whereas others believe that these people only make the problem [appear] less crucial. In this essay, both views will be thoroughly discussed and my opinion will be clearly stated. {I prefer a more definitive thesis statement and one using the active voice}

On the one hand, celebrities, along [with] their widespread influence, will bring many merits {“merits” as a countable noun sounds pretty unnatural} when they join in {“join with” is better} international aid organizations. First of all, celebrity is regarded as [being] a centre of attention, [therefore] anything they do will constantly be in the public eye. As a result, their participation in any philanthropic activities will widely spread [widely through the public sphere] without spending {“without the need to spend much” sounds better} much effort compared to [say,] that of a government representative on TV news [or an expensive advertising campaign]. Secondly, possessing a massive fan-base, celebrities could easily call for [a ]greater amount of attention, even from people who are not [typically interested] in social issues. Charitable activities are usually underestimated and appear monotonous {“monotonous” is not quite right here, or at least you could make it more clear why charitable activities seem to do the same thing over and over again, which is what monotonous means} among the youngsters in today’s society, For instance, an internationally recognized singer, Taylor Swift, could raise [additional] support and awareness from her fan base, which includes [kids as young as thirteen] the youngest of 13.

On the other hand, some people may argue that celebrities tend to make the problem less essential. One notable reason is that the general public usually associate famous people with trivial issues, which means that they {who is “they” here - the celebrities or the public? A little unclear} engage in an aid fund [as] purely [a means to provide] {if you change this phrase like this, it makes it more clear you are talking about the celebrities} entertainment. [By] Taking part in a certain [fundraising] activity, these people, being all image and no substance, only focus on their top priority of enhancing [their own] popularity. Another point worth mentioning is that people tend to place higher value on academically involved scholars such as scientists, professors and doctors. {no period here} when it comes to acknowledging information. {“acknowledging information” is a little vague here - what do you mean? Maybe you mean “when it comes to determining what information is most vital.” } This is mainly due to the good characteristics that these people bring about, which celebrities sometimes seem to lack. {try to be a little more explicit here - what characteristics? I think the difference is that these academically focused people who are experts who have thoroughly studied the problems and thus tend to inspire more trust in the public. }

In conclusion, while celebrities, for several reasons, seem to make the problem less [urgent], I believe that they [serve as] a good means of drawing people’s attention.

[Nguy_n_Ng_c_Minh_Tra]

Thank you for your advice. I have rewritten the introduction and conclusion, could you have a look at it again? And i wonder it is possible that i can get a 6.5 for this essay?

It has achieved widespread acceptance that celebrities’ involvement in international fundraising activities has significantly caught the public’s attention whereas some people believe that these top stars lessen the significance of the problem. As far as I am concerned, I strongly believe that celebrities will bring many advantages to the community when they take part in such voluntary projects.

In conclusion, although there are several drawbacks to celebrities’ participation in voluntary activities, I firmly concede that it is more advantageous for the community that they get involved in such organizations.

[Luschen]

@Nguy_n_Ng_c_Minh_Tra

It has achieved widespread acceptance that celebrities’ involvement in international fundraising activities has significantly caught the public’s attention whereas some people believe that these top stars lessen the significance of the problem. {this is ok, but I still don’t really like starting the essay with “it” - immediately the reader is someone uncertain as to what “it” refers to, so I don’t think it is the best option - plus, your sentence is basically saying “people accept that celebrities’ involvement has caught people’s attention” - it just seems a little off to me. It is good that you rephrased the words, though you could use “worldwide” or “global” for international} As far as I am concerned, I strongly believe that celebrities will bring many advantages to the community when they take part in such voluntary projects.

In conclusion, although there are several drawbacks to celebrities’ participation in voluntary activities, I firmly concede that it is more advantageous for the community that they get involved in such organizations. {this is better, but what exactly leads you to concede this point?}

Let me give it a try:

“It is hard to open a newspaper or click on a website without learning that another popular celebrity has endorsed a new global initiative to solve some pressing problem. Some welcome these famous personalities’ involvement, as it helps increase fundraising for these global philanthropic groups, while others question the celebrities’ motivation, saying their involvement is trivializing these worthy goals. As far as i am concerned, I strongly believe that by publicizing charitable organizations, celebrities can bring many advantages to their communities as well as the world as a whole.”

“In conclusion, although there are several drawbacks to celebrities’ participation in volunteer activities, I firmly concede that it is more advantageous for the community that they get involved in such organizations. Celebrities have much power in our media-centered society, and with this power comes the responsibility to draw attention to these vital non-governmental organizations. These well-known personalities should strive to push their youthful fan bases towards helping others by publicizing worthy charities.”

[Luschen]

Ha, and here I go, beginning my introduction with “it” - oops! Doctor, heal thyself!

And so much repetition with “these”. This shows the importance of doing a bit of editing at the end!

[Nguy_n_Ng_c_Minh_Tra]

brilliant words. thank you Mr Luschen