Social Media

English as a Second Language Preparation for and help with the TOEFL® Test and
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Hi guys,
I would be thankful if you could let me know about my essay.

Nowadays people use social media to keep in touch with others and be aware of news. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?
We are living in a world, where wired technology has almost become as obsolete as dinosaurs. These days we can easily connect to our loved ones or watch their latest activity with only touch of a button. The latest news is spreading around the globe before the announcement of professional news agencies with detailed pictures and related movies. The advantages and disadvantages of this new media has become a controversial topic amongst critics, and while many strongly defend the positive points, some argue that the downsides far outweigh the benefits. This essay elaborate both stances, and at the end I will write about my own viewpoint.

Whether we like virtual world or not we must accept that the cyberspace provided us so many benefits we hardly even imagine 20 years ago. Free instant messaging and long-distance calls are simply two advancement we hardly could even imagine before, but now thanks to the Internet and social media people around the globe enjoy this way of communication with their friends or relatives everywhere. Not so many years ago news was under a strict governmental surveillance, but now fortunately governments hardly can manage the news like what they did before.

Cyberbullying is one of the disadvantages of social media. Teenagers in most cases are the main target of this kind of crime, and predators easily abuse their victims using public social media such as Facebook or Myspace. Spread of fake news, however, is another negative point of using social media. While a rumor or a fake piece of news can easily spread all round the world in less than an hour. The official news agencies are unable to announce the correct one owing to internal bureaucracy and traditional method they are still using.

By way of conclusion, I believe that the Internet and social media are two of the most useful inventions of human in the 21st century, and just like every other phenomenon they serves as a double-edged sword. I mean if we do not use it properly it can have huge negative impacts on our lives.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why does the student visit the adviser’s office?

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Hi, sorry for my delay in getting to your essay. I was out of town again last week.
Your writing is good, but I do not think you adequately answered the last part of the prompt - do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? Also, you had some trouble with your transitions. This is a list I generated a long time ago that may give you some ideas. Transitions go a long way towards making your writing smooth and easy to follow:
english-test.net/forum/ftopic87661-30.html

quote=“Swan”]Hi guys,
I would be thankful if you could let me know about my essay.

Nowadays people use social media to keep in touch with others and be aware of news. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

We are living in a world, {no comma here} where wired technology has almost become as obsolete as dinosaurs. {dinosaurs are not really obsolete, though they are extinct - maybe something like “horse-drawn carriages” or “slide rules” would be better} These days we can easily connect to{“with” is better here} our loved ones or watch their latest activity with only [the] touch of a button. The latest news is spreading around the globe [even] before [its] announcement [by] professional news agencies[, along] {your sentence was a bit unclear - I think these small changes make it easier to understand} with detailed pictures and related movies. The advantages and disadvantages of this new media [have] {match the verb to the subject, not the object} become a controversial topic amongst critics, and while many strongly defend the positive points, some argue that the downsides far outweigh the benefits. {this was a great sentence, but the following sentence seems very weak in comparison} This essay [will] elaborate both stances, and at the end I will write about my own viewpoint.

Whether we like [the] virtual world or not we must accept that the cyberspace [provides] us [with] so many benefits we [could] hardly even [have imagined] 20 years ago. Free instant messaging and long-distance calls are simply two [advancements] [seemingly impossible] we hardly could even imagine {avoid repeating phrases like this} before, but now thanks to the Internet and social media[,] people around the globe enjoy this way of communication with their friends or relatives everywhere. Not so many years ago[,] news was under a strict governmental surveillance, but now fortunately governments hardly can manage {I would add “stifling” or “suppressing” here} the news like what they did before.

{I would add a contrast transition like “on the other hand” or “in contrast” or something similar} Cyberbullying is one of the disadvantages of social media. Teenagers in most cases are the main target of this kind of crime, and predators easily abuse their victims using public social media such as Facebook or Myspace. [The] Spread of fake news, however,{“however” is a contrasting transition - here you need to use an additive transition like “in addition, or furthermore”} is another negative point of using social media. While a rumor or a fake piece of news can easily spread all round the world in less than an hour. {this is not a complete sentence, it is a dependent clause} The official news agencies are unable to announce the correct [story] owing to internal bureaucracy and traditional [methods] they are still using. {this sentence was confusing to me - social media would not affect the bureaucracy of the news agencies - I think you need to make it more clear that because of their bureaucracy, it takes a long time for the news media to correct the stories promulgated by social media}

By way of conclusion, I believe that the Internet and social media are two of the most useful inventions of human in the 21st century, and just like every other phenomenon they serves as a double-edged sword. [By this,] I mean if we do not use it properly it can have huge negative impacts on our lives.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why does the student visit the adviser’s office?
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Thank you so much for your invaluable comments.