Sample essay

[Bellbellbell23]

143. Some people believe that students should be given one long vacation each year. Others believe that students should have several short vacations throughout the year. Which viewpoint do you agree with? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

As to wether students should be given one long vacation each year, my opinion and reasoning are like this; students should be given a long vacation each year. In Japan, we are given a long summer vacation which is about a month or more,a wintter vacation, and a spring vacation which is about two weeks. There are three reasons why I agree that students should be given a long vacation each year.

Firstly, they can go abroad for long days. If we have only some short vacations, we go abroad for long days. Inspite of this, if a man goes to other country, he will not be satisfied with it and have to come to his country.Even if, for example, he make a friend in another country, he will not have an enough time to make a wonderful and strong friendship between a foreign firend.

Secondly, a long vacation enable children to learn various things which their teachers cannot teach them in their school. They can begin to join any clubs or teams and it will give them more friends and be recognized a pleasant of playing new things. For example, a student will be taught how to cook by his mother, he may be going to drop into the cooking field.

Finally, they can improve their strong point. In a vacation they don’t have to go to school, so they have much free time to practice their playing sports, or improving their major. For instance, a man who joins a basketball team can gather teammates to practice together and improve a shooting abilities and communication skills between teammates during games.
Word Count: 258

TOEFL listening discussions: Where does this conversation most likely take place?

[Luschen]

Hi, your essay is not too bad. I think your introduction’s structure should be changed. It is better to start with some general statements and end with a thesis containing your specific opinion on the prompt and a short summary of the reasons why you feel that way. Your body paragraphs were better, although your topic sentences should refer back to the prompt. You have a pretty simple vocabulary and quite a lot of akward or unclear phrases. Overall, I would rate this a 2.5 out of 5.

@Bellbellbell23

143. Some people believe that students should be given one long vacation each year. Others believe that students should have several short vacations throughout the year. Which viewpoint do you agree with? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

As to wether[whether] students should be given one long vacation each year, my opinion and reasoning are like this;{colon} students should be given a long vacation each year. {I didn’t really like this opening sentence. Also, it is better to put your thesis statement as the last sentence in your introduction} In Japan, we are given a long summer vacation which is about a month or more,a wintter[winter] vacation, and a spring vacation which is about two weeks. {this sounds like a good opening sentence} There are three reasons why I agree that students should be given a long vacation each year.{this should be part of your thesis, I would also give a brief summary of the reasons if possible}

Firstly, they can go abroad for long days.{refer back to the thesis in your topic sentences - “Firstly, one long vacation allows student to go abroad for an extended period of time”} If we have only some short vacations, we [cannot] go abroad for long days.{long days is unclear - it sounds like days in the middle of summer when the sun sets late in the day} In spite of this,{“Because of this” is better} if a man[student] goes to [visit an]other country, he will not be satisfied with it and have to come to his country.{this last clause is unclear to me - he is dissatisfied because he has to return too soon to his native country} Even if, for example, he make[s ] a friend in another country, he will not have an enough time to make a wonderful and strong friendship between a foreign firend.[with his foreign friend]

Secondly, a long vacation enable[s ] children to learn various things which[that] their teachers cannot teach them in their school. They can begin{“have a chance” is better here} to join [m]any clubs or teams and it will give them more friends and be recognized a pleasant of playing new things.{this last clause sounds very awkward} For example, a student will[might] be taught how to cook by his mother, [so] he may be going to drop [eventually enter] into the cooking field.

Finally, [with a long break, students] they can improve their strong point[s ]. In[During] a vacation they don’t have to go to school, so they have much free time to practice their playing[favorite] sports, or improv[e] their major.{this sounds a bit unclear} For instance, a man who joins a basketball team can gather teammates to practice together and improve [his] shooting abilities and communication skills between teammates during games.

{It is better if you can add a conclusion where you summarize your points and perhaps give a last personal example or generalize to a universal piece of wisdom. I realize that you may simply have run out of time}
Word Count: 258

TOEFL listening discussions: Where does this conversation most likely take place?

[Bellbellbell23]

Thank you very much!!