Prison is a common way in most countries to solve the problem of crime. However, a more effective solution is to provide people with a better education. Agree or Disagree?


#1

Please give me comments and mark for my Ielts writing exercise. Thanks a lot
Topic: Prison is a common way in most countries to solve the problem of crime. However, a more effective solution is to provide people with a better education. Agree or Disagree?
Some people believe that the rate of crime will be decreased more significantly by providing a better education rather than prison sentences. I disagree with this view because I think that both approaches have own distinctive merits and should each play an important role in tackling crime.
There are two reasons why prisons are of indispensable necessity for social security. Firstly, a person who commits a crime must learn that unlawful actions have serious consequences. For example, having to be imprisoned for their heinous actions, dangerous criminals such as murderers or rapists would suffer the loss of freedom, miserable lives in a cell, social isolation. Moreover, imposing strict punishments on offenders gives a warning of many bad results to all citizens in society. Secondly, when serving long prison sentences for their serious crimes, offenders are no longer a danger to society, which ensures the safety of other citizens in the long run.
On the other hand, education serves as a remedy for the origin of crimes. The main advantage of education is that students can study some aspects of the law, which has positive effects on their lives. Having a good grasp of laws, students are better prepared to avoid situations which may involve them in a crime. Therefore, there would be a considerable decline in crime rates. For instance, youngsters must study the strict laws about driving and road safety in Vietnamese educational programs, which not only keep them safe but also prevent them from breaking the laws. Secondly, being well-educated by many good teachers and professors in schools is of great advantage to the development of students personalities and characteristics. Obviously, besides providing knowledge, many teachers always give students much useful advice to address their problems, which helps them be aware of the right or bad things. As a result, these students would be many law-abiding citizens and contribute greatly to their communities.
In conclusion, it is true that providing better education is a more effective solution than prison in solving the problem of crime. I agree that both methods should be applied to reduce the rate of crime owing to their own benefits.


#2

Hi Th Bul, I think your biggest error in this essay is in your introduction you say you disagree that education is more effective, but then three paragraphs later in the conclusion you say that providing an education is more effective than prison. I think a mistake like this really confuses the reader and would hurt your grade substantially. That is a shame, because your writing in this one is otherwise quite good. Your essay is very well organized and your arguments are clear, apart from a few awkward sounding sentences. In your second body paragraph, the first reason was not that convincing to me. I would suggest saying that a good education increases your chance of getting a well paid job, so you will be less tempted to descend into a life of crime in order to support yourself. I would also extend your conclusion a little to explain exactly which arguments have convinced you of your position and clarify exactly how strongly your support your side of the issue - here it sounds like you are split pretty much evenly, that both methods are equally effective.


#3

Hi Luschen, I want to protect my first idea in the second paragraph. I mentioned that education would help students BETTER prepare to avoid illegal actions. This means that students can understand the laws more clearly than those not studying in schools. But I agree that this is not strong supporting idea.
Thạnks for your useful comments again. Have a nice day.


#4

Hi, I think you mean “defend my first idea” - “protect” just doesn’t work for this idiom. I agree that learning about laws is important. What if you argued that students will learn how important following the law is in order to retain a peaceful and well-functioning society? You could use the argument that if people drove through red lights or disobeyed other traffic laws, accidents would soar and traffic would be brought to a standstill. Learning how laws are made and the purposes they serve may inspire youth to see their importance and obey them.


#5

Hi. I think education is a pretty important necessity for crime-prevention. Though I wonder whether it should be only sientifical or economical or lawfull that needs to be taught.
How about social skills? I mean what are the reasons for a bank-robbery? What are the reasons for murder? What are the reasons for fraud and deceitfulness? I mean noone probably has to serve a long prison sentence just for driving through red lights or parking the car in forbidden areas. The most reasons for long prison punishments are finally economical based, aren´t they? And what are the basics for robberies and fraud? On the one hand it surely are basic needs of people to survive and on the other hand it often is acceptance or enviousness. Wouldn´t it be better to defeat the reasons rather than put people in prison?
I might read communist or socialist, but am I? I think I am not, just an observer of the socierty finding that more respect towards fellow men i.e. women should be taught. And once respect is accepted towards either those who live in more wealth as also those whose skills are a bit less than the own crime would play a much smaller role in the world. Though a higher education as well as prison sentences never will be obsolete. After all we all are just humans and some never will respect others wealth or attitudes.

Oh, btw, good piece of writing by you Th-Bui.