Please score and give me feedback about my IELTS Essay. Many thanks ^^

Topic: It is better for people to be unemployed than people to be employed but they do not enjoy. Do you agree or disagree?

It is thought that when choosing a career, enthusiasm should be considered as the key factor. While it is crucial to work on which people are passionate, I believe that everyone should not be jobless even they have to do an uninterested occupation.

It is true that doing jobs, which do not interest people can trigger some mental problems. For example, one, who always dreams of becoming a singer can find extremely terrible if he works as an accountant because he certainly have no passion for doing the job. Furthermore, it seems that one can only make progress if he is doing a passionate occupation, because without passion, one could hardly improve his creativity and innovation at work.

However, I believe that being unemployed could breed more negative effects on people’s lives. Firstly, living without a job could be quite challenging regarding financial aspect. In fact, unemployment means that one can get no wages, which could cause to a serious drain in his financial health and gradually lead to fail to meet his basic needs in life. Moreover, many mental illnesses could result from unemployed lifestyle. It is true that people are very likely suffer from significant amount of stress causing by peer pressure, for example, when experience considerably long-term jobless.

In conclusion, although it is quite important to pursue your passion, I believe that people should temporarily land jobs even they are not interested for preventing from some financial and health issues.


Hi Đan Phạm, I think you had some good ideas in your essay and for the most part your writing was understandable and had a lot of clarity. Still, I don’t think this format was the most effective for this type of essay prompt. The whole first body paragraph supported the opposite viewpoint of what you believe. I think if you want to talk about this side of the argument, you should focus on why those arguments are weak and should be discounted. This would make your essay much more convincing. You are arguing that both are important, so to me it is unclear exactly how you are answering the prompt’s question - do you agree or disagree? You have some good vocabulary here, but you also have made a few word choices that sound a little odd or unnatural. Here are some specific suggestions:


Hi Luschen,
Thank you very much for your comment. That helps me a lot. ^^
Have a nice day ^^

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