please rate my writing (thanks for help)

English as a Second Language Preparation for and help with the TOEFL® Test and
1

Dear Luschen,

I write the paragraph you correct it for me again as you did not like my writing at the first time

I hope I made it better that time

thanks for your cooperation

I preparing my self to IELTS test and I am very grateful to your help

the topic of the writing

You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.

The table below shows the proportion of different categories of families living in poverty in Australia in 1999.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

You should write at least 150 words.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

the table is attached

here is my first writing with your correction

The given table shows the proportion of different categories of famil[ies] living in poverty in Australia in 1999.

First of all{comma} the proportion of each categories will be[is] shown. The category of single aged person[people] {“single aged” sounds weird to me, even though that is what the chart shows - they mean older single people} shows a proportion of 6 %. On the other hand the category of aged couple[s ] shows a percentage of 4 %. Unlike aged couple and single age person, [the] single, no children category shows 19% proportion {“proportion” is wrong here - proportion is not really a synonym of percentage} with increase by 15% {“increase by 15%” is incorrect} than aged couple[s ]. Couple[s ] with no children [re]presents a percentage of 7%. Sole parent[s ] have a percentage of 21%. Couple[s ] with children shows a percentage of 12 %. Finally all household shows a percentage of 11 %. {this paragraph is not very easy to understand - the connections between the categories are not really explored, and the most important statistic, overall poverty, it not highlighted sufficiently}

Second a comparison between different categories shall be discussed. {don’t say what you are going to discuss, just start discussing it} It is noticed that single aged person[people], aged couple[s ] and couple[s ]with no children have a low proportion of poverty. This may be because [members of] th[ese] categor[ies] do not have a lot of needs to fulfill. Couple[s ] with children shows [a] moderate proportion [; this] may be because no one [who] live[s ] in poverty will think about having children. {I think it may be because they may have two people working to support the family} Finally, single, no children and sole parent [families] represent the highest proportion of poverty.

187 words

here is my second writing

The table below shows the proportion of different categories of families living in poverty in Australia in 1999.

Studying the percentage of people who live in poverty in different categories is vital as it help the government to know how to fight poverty. The table represent the people who suffered from poverty at various categories. The most people who suffered from poverty are those who have sole parents with percentage 21% and single people with no children with percentage 19 %. The least people who suffered from poverty are old couples with percentage 4%. Single old people shows 6% as old people have their pension also can do extra work if they need to. Unlike single with no children, couple with no children have low percentage of poverty of 7% because couples always motivate each other and help each other to get better work. Couples with children have moderate percentage of 12% higher than couples without children because children take expenses from parents.

In conclusion, all households who live in poverty in Australia is 11% of the population which means that Australia have low percentage of poverty compared to third countries.

I hope I made it better on the second one

191/150

thanks in advance

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a university student and an employee in the student services center

2

Hi, I think this was somewhat better. I found this webpage which seems to have some good information on this question type, as I was not completely familiar with it. ielts-exam.net/index.php?opt … &Itemid=44
I think they would want you to use more variety in your sentence structure when explaining the data instead of just saying “Single people have 10% poverty rate. Young families have a 8% poverty rate”, etc. I may have misled you in my last post, it sounds like you do not have to do that much analysis of the explanations for the data, but a few sentences at the end to provide some reasons for the general trends would be good.

3

thanks a lot

4

Subject: Society advances most when people break from the traditions of their predecessors.

Societies are born, grow up ve develop as people too. Firstly, BOth don’t have anythings, any rules, any equipment. Moreover They develope their life standard with developed eqipment, machines and Technologies slowly with time. Fort his, time, hard-working people and goals of managers are necessary. This is a historical process for a country. Which include society’s cultures and life styles from past to present. All of these are value fort hem.
We can thnink materialistic and spiritual effects about this subjet. Socities should not forget How they lived before and how they came to this time. They can take themselves lessons from past. İt’s necessary for improving and growing.
Socities did not come alone to this time. They passed hardly and a lot of processes. İn addition, they should respect traditions of their predecessors. This opinion bring to in my mind a child’s born event. Think a child who it does not accept its parents, their life and their past.
Consequently, I do not agree with this idea. Society which you live in is important for you as your family. Protecting the values of society are a debt for you.

5

Subject: Trend towards smaller family units and households is a positive development.

Family is thought that it’s the most valuable society in life. At least for some socities… A child was born, grow up and develope in family. Also, first education is taken here and most of thing are taught here too by parents. İf you have an extended family, you should learn lots of different and new things from relatives. However everybody can not care about these values. Some of them behave disregarding in the coming years. There is a new trend in young peoples. To leave alone.
Everything does not look like nice in life.It’ll time to be family for them. When he/she got married They’ll have a different life and responsibilities.
Main problem of this situation for couples is where They’ll live. Living with parents in same house could be hard for couples. There is a common opinion in our society that Bride and mother in law can not agree each other in same house. ALso, two family in the house can be a problem for parents because of different requests and desires.
On the other hand, Living with parents in different house is beatifull for couples. Also this is new trend that it’s preferred by young couples. But being for away from home and your relatives can reduce family threads between parents. Your problems can solve together rapidly and effectively. Also their experiences can help you to see better and clearly in your life.
İn conclusion, I agree with this opinion. However, Living with parents in different house but living near house is logical.

6

Sari, please post each essay on its own thread so more people will get a chance to see them.

7

Family is thought that it’s the most valuable society in life. At least for some socities… A child was born, grow up and develope in family. Also, first education is taken here and most of thing are taught here too by parents. İf you have an extended family, you should learn lots of different and new things from relatives. However everybody can not care about these values. Some of them behave disregarding in the coming years. There is a new trend in young peoples. To leave alone.
Everything does not look like nice in life.It’ll time to be family for them. When he/she got married They’ll have a different life and responsibilities.
Main problem of this situation for couples is where They’ll live. Living with parents in same house could be hard for couples. There is a common opinion in our society that Bride and mother in law can not agree each other in same house. ALso, two family in the house can be a problem for parents because of different requests and desires.
On the other hand, Living with parents in different house is beatifull for couples. Also this is new trend that it’s preferred by young couples. But being for away from home and your relatives can reduce family threads between parents. Your problems can solve together rapidly and effectively. Also their experiences can help you to see better and clearly in your life.
İn conclusion, I agree with this opinion. However, Living with parents in different house but living near house is logical.

8

Societies are born, grow up ve develop as people too. Firstly, BOth don’t have anythings, any rules, any equipment. Moreover They develope their life standard with developed eqipment, machines and Technologies slowly with time. Fort his, time, hard-working people and goals of managers are necessary. This is a historical process for a country. Which include society’s cultures and life styles from past to present. All of these are value fort hem.
We can thnink materialistic and spiritual effects about this subjet. Socities should not forget How they lived before and how they came to this time. They can take themselves lessons from past. İt’s necessary for improving and growing.
Socities did not come alone to this time. They passed hardly and a lot of processes. İn addition, they should respect traditions of their predecessors. This opinion bring to in my mind a child’s born event. Think a child who it does not accept its parents, their life and their past.
Consequently, I do not agree with this idea. Society which you live in is important for you as your family. Protecting the values of society are a debt for you.