Please rate my IELTS essay for Task 2. Thank you.

[Kubra1]

Topic; As most spend a major part of their adult life at work, job satisfaction is an important element of individual wellbeing. What factors contribute to job satisfaction? How realistic is the expectation of job satisfaction for all workers?

In the twenty first century, most people spend a lot of time for their work life to earn Money or achieve to good position in the company. At the same time, companies want more motivation and importance from their workers when they spend an important part of their life for the company. There is one way to take higher value from workers. I’ll show you this in this essay.
Job satisfaction becomes most important thing in the business life. The reason of that, workers are working for a long time in the same place and with same team players. They are doing same things with business routine. After that, they are bored to do specific job way in each day. They don’t want to do different activities after the work for social life or improve themselves because they haven’t enough time and energy.
In my workplace, managers saw that situation and searched ways of how contribute to our satisfaction and asked us some question to find something. End of the search, they organized some activities. For example, going out for dinner with business friends, going to some seminar related to our business for improve ourselves, do happy hours in the last day of a week etc. At the end of the three months, everybody worked with high level of motivation. Managers shocked with that situation and understood importance of job satisfaction.
In conclusion, companies should understand some considerable element for advance their work. Workers are not the only workers. They spend a major part of their adult life in the work and they need a social thing for themselves. Social activities increase motivation and communication. After that, workers will come their job with happiness and demand of work with high value of job satisfaction.

TOEFL listening lectures: What does ‘monotreme’ mean?

[Luschen]

Hi, I enjoyed your essay. I think you should put your main idea in your thesis statement. I think your essay development was pretty good. Your structure was a bit unorthodox - usually essays have three main reasons - you have one reason, but did well in expanding it out to two full paragraphs. Still, you have a lot of awkward sounding or unclear phrases that interfered with my understanding of all your points. I would rate this essay a 3.5 out of 5.

@Kübra1

Topic; As most spend a major part of their adult life at work, job satisfaction is an important element of individual wellbeing. What factors contribute to job satisfaction? How realistic is the expectation of job satisfaction for all workers?

In the twenty first century, most people spend a lot of time for their work life{“a lot of time for their work life” sounds awkward - do you mean “spend a lot of time working?”} to earn Money{no caps} or achieve to[a] good position in the company. At the same time, companies want more motivation and importance{“importance” does not really make sense here} from their workers when they spend an important part of their life for the company. There is one way to take higher value from workers. I’ll show you this in this essay. {don’t tease us like this - say what it is and then explain it in your body paragraphs}
Job satisfaction becomes most important thing in the business life. The reason of[for] that [is] workers are working for a long time in the same place and with [the] same team [members] players. They are doing same things [in their daily] with business routine. After that, they are bored to do[ing a] specific job [the same] way in each [every] day. They don’t{try not to use contractions} want to do different activities after the work for social life[socially] or improve themselves because they haven’t enough time and energy.
In my workplace, managers saw that situation and searched [for] ways of how [to] contribute to our satisfaction and asked us some question to find something[discover a solution]. [At the] End of the search, they organized some activities.{colon} For example, going out for dinner with business friends, going to some seminar related to our business for[to] improve ourselves, do happy hours in the last day of a week etc.[and so on] At the end of the three months, everybody worked with [a] high level of motivation. Managers [were] shocked with[at] that situation and understood [the] importance of job satisfaction.
In conclusion, companies should understand some considerable element for advance their work. {this sentence is pretty unclear to me} Workers are not the only workers. They spend a major part of their adult life in the[at] work and they need a social thing[outlet] for themselves. Social activities increase motivation and communication. After that, workers will come their job with happiness and demand of work{“demand of work” does not make sense here} with high value of job satisfaction.

TOEFL listening lectures: What does ‘monotreme’ mean?