Please rate my essay......i need to know where i stand....

Please help me with this by rating it and telling me what I need to change or add.

Topic

How do movies or television influence people’s behaviour? Use reason’s and specific examples to explain your answer

My Response

Television has been one of the greatest inventions of mankind. And movies or serials have followed almost immediately after its creation. This has diversely affected the people in both in good and bad ways. However, good or bad, it is observed that almost every individual has indulged himself so much into this electronic box that it has affected the very nature of human beings.

Before the creation of television, news propagated verbally or through newspapers. This created an excuse for people to interact with themselves and discuss the content of the news, creating affable conversations and new friends on the way. However, when the television entered the home of the common men, they enclosed themselves within their rooms and almost built there whole world around it. They did not need to go out anymore in search of news, thereby reducing mutual communication.

The same can be said about movies and other entertainments which got so addictive that it almost became a routine for the people. They cut themselves off from the outside world to such extent that conversations and mutual interactions took a downward trajectory.

Television being an unrivaled source for mass transmission of information, it has brought about a blend in the culture as well and the culture is something which defines a person. Occidental approaches and ways are gradually creeping into the mind of every person and making a permanent impression in it. For instance, western wears have become very common in countries like India, China , Japan etc. Even a large amount of mixing of music has taken place. Westerns classics have merged with eastern classics to even create fusion music.

Conclusively, television maybe a small box present at one corner of the room but it has affected every person’s behaviour both mentally and culturally.

TOEFL listening discussions: What will the student probably do with her next paper?

Hi, I think your writing is very good. Only a few grammatical errors and your vocabulary is fairly good. I think you need to work on your structure though. The graders are looking for a clear thesis sentence that states your position and outlines your argument. Then two or three body paragraphs, each one beginning with a transition followed by a topic sentence that clearly defines the argument you will support. I think this webpage has some valuable information on structuring an essay: bookrags.com/articles/4.html Overall, I would rate your essay a 3.5 out of 5.

Hi Luschen…thank you very much for the advices. I have gone through the website you suggested and found it very helpful. I will try my best to keep in my mind everything that you told. :D…thanx again…it was a great help…