Please rate my essay! 8 days left to exam.

[Vuqar1.618]

Plese rate this essay. I take the exam on 25th August. So your last guides before exam can be very valuable to me.

Do you think that television programs, movies, and video games influence young people’s behavior?

It is clear that entertainment programs such as television or movies have become very famous nowadays but whether they are harmful or not is one of the global discussions today. Some people believe that movies or video games have a good influence on people’s health but I completely disagree with this idea. From my point of view, they remarkably changed our people to a negative degree.

For a start, movies have become very appealing since nineteenth century but the disappointing point is that the victims of them are young generation. According to me, movies have badly influenced children. The main reason is that, infancies tend to accompany their favorite ideals which can bring serous troubles. For instance, imagine that a Robison Cruz became a hero of a child after watching its movie. Since Robinson is a thief, a child will start to steal things in order to resemble him. In the beginning it may not sound dangerous but later severe risks may be inevitable.

Secondly, it is clear that video games or television programs are the best ways for young people to spend their free time but they do not realize that they do it at the expense of their health. Since they spend most of their time playing video games being inactive for a long time, they may encounter with unforeseen illnesses. For instance, researchers have recently shown that people who are prone to watch TV or play computer games are more vulnerable to cardiovascular diseases.

Last but not least, it would not be surprising that nowadays computers or TVs has become the best friends of children by expending a mass of their leisure with those unreal things. Consequently, children become reluctant to interact with people which may cause some undesirable issues.

By the way, those children are more inclined to fall into desperation since they tend to have withdrawn behavior.

To sum up, television programs, movies or video games have had a big impact on young people’s behavior. Those people have become unwilling to communicate which prevents them from affiliating to the society.

TOEFL listening discussions: Two seminar classmates discussing their classwork

[Luschen]

Hi, I think this one may not have been as strong as some of your other recent essays. You have quite a few odd sounding and very unclear phrases and sentences that really interfered with my understanding of your ideas. I think your grammar is ok for the most part and your overall structure is good, but you do have some errors in clarity that reduce the overall quality.

@Vuqar1.618

Plese rate this essay. I take the exam on 25th August. So your last guides before exam can be very valuable to me.

Do you think that television programs, movies, and video games influence young people’s behavior?

It is clear that entertainment programs such as television or movies have become very famous nowadays but whether they are harmful or not is one of the global discussions [taking place] today. Some people believe that movies or video games have a good influence on people’s health but I completely disagree with this idea. From my point of view, they remarkably changed our people {“our people” sounds odd to me here - it sounds like you are the president or king} to a negative degree.

For a start, movies have become very appealing since nineteenth century{"since nineteenth century sounds odd because that’s when the movie projector was invented} but the disappointing point is that the victims{“victims” sounds very harsh to me} of them are [members of the] young generation. According to me, movies have badly influenced children. The main reason is that, infancies{what is this word?} tend to accompany their favorite ideals which can bring serous troubles. {this sentence makes no sense to me} For instance, imagine that a Robison Cruz{who is this? do you mean “Robinson Crusoe”? I don’t recall him stealing though} became a hero of a child after watching its movie. Since Robinson is a thief, a child will start to steal things in order to resemble him. In the beginning it may not sound dangerous but later severe risks may be inevitable.

Secondly, it is clear that video games or television programs are the best ways{this seems like the opposite of what your thesis statement says - that video games are a very bad way for kids to spend their time} for young people to spend their free time but they do not realize that they do it at the expense of their health. Since they spend most of their time playing video games [and] being inactive for a long [periods of] time, they may encounter with unforeseen illnesses. For instance, researchers have recently shown that people who are prone to watch[ing] TV or play[ing] computer games are more vulnerable to cardiovascular diseases.

Last but not least, it would not be surprising that nowadays computers or TVs ha[ve] become the best friends of children by expending a mass of their leisure with those unreal things.{this last phrase sounds very awkward and unclear} Consequently, children become reluctant to interact with people which may cause some undesirable issues.

By the way, those children are more inclined to fall into desperation since they tend to have withdrawn behavior. {where does this sentence belong? It is too short to be its own paragraph}

To sum up, television programs, movies or video games have had a big impact on young people’s behavior. Those people have become unwilling to communicate which prevents them from affiliating to[with] the society.

TOEFL listening discussions: Two seminar classmates discussing their classwork

[Vuqar1.618]

Hi Luschen. Thank you very much for your assistance.
I should mention that a paragraph starting with “By the way” was attached to the fourth paragraph bu it separated due to technical problems. In addition, in the sentence “the main reason is that, infancies tend to accompany their favorite ideals which can bring serous troubles” I meant “the main reason is that, children tend to accompany their favorite idols which can bring serous troubles” but thank you again for your help.

[Tuyet8]

Never say die.
We will success if we try our best.
Good luck to all members on the forum.

[Luschen]

@Vuqar1.618

Hi Luschen. Thank you very much for your assistance.
I should mention that a paragraph starting with “By the way” was attached to the fourth paragraph bu it separated due to technical problems. In addition, in the sentence “the main reason is that, infancies tend to accompany their favorite ideals which can bring serous troubles” I meant “the main reason is that, children tend to accompany their favorite idols which can bring serous troubles” but thank you again for your help.

OK, that makes the sentence much more clear - an “infant” is a very small baby, so it would not be applicable here. Even though “accompany” is closely related to “follow”, accompany means to go together, so a youngster would follow or imitate their idol, but not accompany her.