please Luschen check my essay!(3)

[Impossibleme]

In some countries, people are richer, but less happy. Causes and effects?
(3/7)
The 21st century has witnessed an amazing improvement in citizens’ living standard. Never before can they afford expensive items whose prices are sky-rocketing than do such in our century. However, many of them confess that they actually suffer more than enjoy. My essay will shed light on both causes and effects of this issue.

It is first believed that though high salaries can satiate workers’ desire and facilitate their lives amazingly, such money cannot grant them fresh air to breathe if they do not strive to keep the atmosphere clean. No sooner has mass-production of the vehicles been introduced and, hence, people rush to buy cars then they have to suffer car exhaust, say, lead, and carbon dioxide. To make the matter worse, consumer goods seen as the most fundamental items for personal life result in tons of waste released into the atmosphere, not to mention solid waste and plastic boxes which are durable, undeniably. Negative effects are vividly seen. When more and more people yearn for cars to prove their social status, they, at the same time, contribute a great part to making our air polluted to the point where the number of people suffering contaminated air and respiration-related diseases is escalating.

Another drawback is the fact that the pressures of modern life have indirectly suck people into an endless race when non-stop working becomes a must. Although workers have money to lead their lives comfortably, their family life is not always ensured without the frequent absence of parents. As a result, familial bonds grow looser and cracks eventually appear. There are children whose parents have to work hours on end, see themselves live in the illusions of the Internet, find virtual relationships, or even worse, become addicted to games online. To specify, not receiving ongoing guidance from parents, children may grow up abnormally and even end up with mental disorders and sexual disorientation.

All in all, I do believe that people nowadays, despite having their quality of life improved significantly, still suffer certain problems, say, environmental issue and family foundation.

TOEFL listening discussions: How is the young woman financing her education?

[Luschen]

Hi Impossibleme, your writing is pretty good. I think you have addressed the prompt well, but overall, your essay does not seem as clear and well-structured as it might be. Maybe one paragraph for causes and one for effects might be better? Or give one cause and effect per paragraph, as you seem to have done, but make the distinction more clear and explicit. You have some good idioms that are generally used correctly, but you do have some sentences that could be structured more naturally. YOu also have some mistakes in usage and a few grammatical errors. Overall, I would rate this a 3.5 out of 5.

@Impossibleme

In some countries, people are richer, but less happy. Causes and effects?
(3/7)
The 21st century has witnessed an amazing improvement in citizens’ living standard[s ]. Never before c[ould] they afford expensive items whose prices are sky-rocketing than do such in our century. {this is not constructed very well - maybe “Never before have they been able to afford expensive items with sky-rocketing prices as they are able to in this century”} However, many of them confess that [despite having access to these goods, ] they actually suffer more than enjoy [them]. My essay will shed light on both [the] causes and effects of this issue.

It is first [First, it is] believed {active voice sounds better} that though high salaries can satiate workers’ desire {or “that through high salaries, workers can satiate their desires …”} and facilitate their lives amazingly,{we “facilitate” something more specific, facilitate lives sounds odd} such money cannot grant them fresh air to breathe if they do not strive to keep the atmosphere clean. No sooner has mass-production of the vehicles been introduced and[then], hence, people rush to buy cars then they have[resulting in suffering] to suffer [pollution from] car exhaust, say, lead, and carbon dioxide. {this sentence seemed a little rambling} To make the matter worse, consumer goods [, which are] seen as the most fundamental items for personal life[,] result in tons of waste released into the atmosphere, not to mention solid waste and plastic boxes which are durable,{“durable” has a positive connotation - maybe “non-biodegradable and difficult to recycle”} undeniably. Negative effects are vividly seen. {once again, active voice is better} When more and more people yearn for cars to prove their social status, they, at the same time, contribute a great part to making {“in making” is more natural} our air polluted to the point where the number of people suffering [from] contaminated air and respiration-related diseases is escalating.

Another drawback {drawback to what? be a bit more specific in your topic sentences and relate back to the prompt} is the fact that the pressures of modern life ha[s ] indirectly suck[ed ] people into an endless race when {“where” is better here} non-stop working becomes a must. Although workers have money to lead their lives comfortably, their family li[ves are] not always ensured without[due to] the frequent absence of parents. As a result, familial bonds grow looser and cracks eventually appear. There are children whose parents have to work hours on end, see themselves {this is a bit unclear - the children are seeing themselves?} live in the illusions of the Internet, find virtual relationships, or even worse, become addicted to games online. To specify,[be more specific,] [by] not receiving ongoing guidance from parents, children may grow up abnormally and even end up with mental disorders and sexual disorientation.

All in all, I do believe that people nowadays, despite having their quality of life improved significantly, still suffer certain problems, say, environmental issue[s ] and [weak] family foundation[s ].

TOEFL listening discussions: How is the young woman financing her education?