Please kindly help me correct the essay for toefl ibt. Many thanks

“When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success.” Do you agree or disagree with the quotation above? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your position.
“When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success” – this is one of my favorite quotation in my life and working that encourage me to overcome a lot of challenges. I absolutely agree with this idea because of below persuasive reasons.
First and foremost, when people put all effort to pursue their goal they will get achievement sooner or later. Some fellows lodge a complaint that they are unlucky because they take longer time than their friends to achieve their goal. In my perspective, different people need a different amount of time to succeed and the important factor in success journey is persistence. Some people supposed that Newton had a fortune when the magical apple falling down on him directed him to theory of attraction; however, they don’t know that Newton researched on it in a long time before.
In addition to that, people mention “luck” as a magical factor for success that cannot define it specifically. How could an intangible element contribute to a tangible outcome? In my opinion, luck is not mysterious, it is opportunity! There are a lot of people who were born with silver spoon in their mouth but they don’t know how to take advantages to create their own success. In the meantime, there are a lot of difficult people hardworking and seize the chance to get success. Reality show on television, such as Next Top Model or The Voice, are enabling for those who have talent but don’t have enough resources to pursue their dream.
In conclusion, if we count on “luck” to be successful, we cannot receive desirable outcome. “Luck” only comes to people who endeavor and fight for their goal. Therefore we had better set up a clear goal and try utmost to reach it instead of waiting for a free lunch.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a bookstore sales clerk and a student

Hi, I think this is a good essay, but probably not one of your best. Your structure is good, but your examples could be a bit better integrated - I wasn’t exactly sure how the reality show example applied to your thesis. Your vocabulary is good, but you had some incorrect word usages that made some of your sentences sound unnatural. You also had some minor errors, such as in your use of articles. For these reasons, I think this would probably score a band 6. For a 7, the whole essay really has to sound natural.

Sorry, for some reason I thought this was for IELTS. I think this would probably score a 4 out of 5 for TOEFL