Please help to mark my IELTS writing task 2 essay - the happiest time of most people’s lives

ielts

#1

Please mark this essay based on 4 criterion: Task response, Coherence and cohesion, Lexical resource, Grammatical range and accuracy.
Many thanks


Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest time of most people’s lives. Others think that the adult life brings more happiness, in spite of greater responsibilities

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In large numbers around the world, people are nowadays expressing a deeply growing concern about the best time in life for most of people. In fact, there are some who hold firmly to their belief that this period should be in adolescence. However, others argue convincingly that greater enjoyment is brought in adulthood. Therefore, there has been an endless controversial issue, and this raises the question of whether the former outweighs the latter or not.

To begin with, there are two reasons for people to defend that teenage years can be the best time for everyone. It is a well-documented fact that youngsters do not have to face stress and pressures in life as much as adults. The most obvious example to prove is that their financial matters, such as living cost or tuition fees, are totally subjected their parents’ income, therefore, youngsters can live conveniently without concerns regarding working and earning money. Furthermore, there is no doubt that young people have better health condition than elders. For instance, adults find it easier to suffer health-related issues due to their ages like heart attack or back pain, in comparison to adolescents.

Despite the fact that many people defend the above view, there is some convincing evidence for those to support the opposite argument that the happiest period is adulthood. First and foremost, it is commonly accepted that the more work you do, the more relationships and more money you will have. As a result, matured ones have more opportunities to enjoy life, such as go shopping and travelling, than the younger generation. In addition, there is no denying that grown people have greater freedom than teenagers because they are mainly responsible for themselves. Therefore, they might be able to express their opinions without concerns about other judgments, unlike youngsters, they know when to let things go.

All things considered, it is my strong belief that the best time for people is the adult life. Accordingly, I highly recommend that the government should enhance people’s awareness in terms of the rights and responsibilities of matures. If this recommendation is carried out, the comprehensive development of citizens will be ensured.

(353 words)


#2

Hi Dongan, welcome to the forum. It is clear that you have been working hard on your essay writing and that you have some good ideas here. Unfortunately, it seems like there is a lot of “filler” in your writing and that a lot of your ideas could be stated much more concisely. Even though you have a high word count, there really is not that much actual content here. Furthermore, it sounds like you have memorized some specific sentences that could be used for a wide variety of topics, but for this particular subject they seem a bit odd. I think you handled the prompt correctly, but your thesis statement was very vague and did not address all three parts of the prompt. You have tried to use a variety of synonyms for words like adults, but many of your choices sounded very odd and unnatural. Instead of using just a straight synonym, it is sometimes better to use a descriptive phrase - “those who have hit middle age”, “people who are in their forties and older”. In your conclusion you do give your opinion as the prompt requires, but you do not explain or give any specific reasons for why you hold your opinion. I think I would score this a TA - band 6, CC - band 7, LR - band 6, GRA - band 6.