Please help to mark my IELTS writing task 2 essay - the happiest time of most people’s lives

[dongtan]

Please mark this essay based on 4 criterion: Task response, Coherence and cohesion, Lexical resource, Grammatical range and accuracy.
Many thanks

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Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest time of most people’s lives. Others think that the adult life brings more happiness, in spite of greater responsibilities

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In large numbers around the world, people are nowadays expressing a deeply growing concern about the best time in life for most of people. In fact, there are some who hold firmly to their belief that this period should be in adolescence. However, others argue convincingly that greater enjoyment is brought in adulthood. Therefore, there has been an endless controversial issue, and this raises the question of whether the former outweighs the latter or not.

To begin with, there are two reasons for people to defend that teenage years can be the best time for everyone. It is a well-documented fact that youngsters do not have to face stress and pressures in life as much as adults. The most obvious example to prove is that their financial matters, such as living cost or tuition fees, are totally subjected their parents’ income, therefore, youngsters can live conveniently without concerns regarding working and earning money. Furthermore, there is no doubt that young people have better health condition than elders. For instance, adults find it easier to suffer health-related issues due to their ages like heart attack or back pain, in comparison to adolescents.

Despite the fact that many people defend the above view, there is some convincing evidence for those to support the opposite argument that the happiest period is adulthood. First and foremost, it is commonly accepted that the more work you do, the more relationships and more money you will have. As a result, matured ones have more opportunities to enjoy life, such as go shopping and travelling, than the younger generation. In addition, there is no denying that grown people have greater freedom than teenagers because they are mainly responsible for themselves. Therefore, they might be able to express their opinions without concerns about other judgments, unlike youngsters, they know when to let things go.

All things considered, it is my strong belief that the best time for people is the adult life. Accordingly, I highly recommend that the government should enhance people’s awareness in terms of the rights and responsibilities of matures. If this recommendation is carried out, the comprehensive development of citizens will be ensured.

(353 words)

[Luschen]

Hi Dongan, welcome to the forum. It is clear that you have been working hard on your essay writing and that you have some good ideas here. Unfortunately, it seems like there is a lot of “filler” in your writing and that a lot of your ideas could be stated much more concisely. Even though you have a high word count, there really is not that much actual content here. Furthermore, it sounds like you have memorized some specific sentences that could be used for a wide variety of topics, but for this particular subject they seem a bit odd. I think you handled the prompt correctly, but your thesis statement was very vague and did not address all three parts of the prompt. You have tried to use a variety of synonyms for words like adults, but many of your choices sounded very odd and unnatural. Instead of using just a straight synonym, it is sometimes better to use a descriptive phrase - “those who have hit middle age”, “people who are in their forties and older”. In your conclusion you do give your opinion as the prompt requires, but you do not explain or give any specific reasons for why you hold your opinion. I think I would score this a TA - band 6, CC - band 7, LR - band 6, GRA - band 6.

@dongtan

In large numbers around the world, people are nowadays expressing a deeply growing concern about the best time in life for most of people. {to me this doesn’t really ring true. Why is this such a deep concern and why would it be growing? This sounds like a memorized template that does not really work well for this particular topic} In fact, there are some who hold firmly to their belief that this period should be in adolescence. {this sounds a bit odd - first “this period” is a little unclear, second the “should” seems out of place.
Saying people should be happier in adolescence is a bit different from saying people are happier in adolescence} However, others argue convincingly that greater enjoyment is brought in adulthood. {saying adulthood brings greater enjoyment is more natural} Therefore,[ this] has been an endless controversial issue, and this raises the question of whether the former outweighs the latter or not. {I think this thesis statement is too vague. I prefer a thesis statement that can stand on its own. The reader should be able to read the thesis statement and know exactly what point the writer is trying to make and how the essay will be structured. This thesis statement really gives no information at all. Plus, the prompt asks for your opinion as well, but this thesis statement does not state what your opinion is.}

To begin with, there are two reasons for people to defend [the idea] that teenage years can be the best time for everyone. It is a well-documented fact that youngsters do not have to face stress and pressures in life as much as adults. The most obvious example [proving this] is that their financial matters, such as living cost or tuition fees, are totally subjected their parents’ income, {this phrase is incorrect - maybe you mean “are totally subject to their parents’ income”} therefore, youngsters can live conveniently {“conveniently” does not really work here. Toefl study group - #18 by Luschen } without concerns regarding working and earning money. Furthermore, there is no doubt that young people have better health condition than elders. For instance, adults find it easier {“find it easier” sounds odd, as that usually has a positive connotation - find it easier to exercise / find it easier to make money … } to suffer health-related issues due to their [age] like heart attack or back pain, {it sounds better to put these examples right after “issues” }in comparison to adolescents.

Despite the fact that many people defend the above view, there is some convincing evidence for those to support the opposite argument that the happiest period is adulthood. First and foremost, it is commonly accepted that the more work you do, the more relationships and more money you will have. {I’m not sure most people accept this - why would the more work you do result in more relationships? Wouldn’t working too hard or too long actually interfere with your relationships? In any case, I think a statement like this needs to be supported more effectively} As a result, matured ones {“matured ones” sounds very odd} have more opportunities to enjoy life, such as [going] shopping and travelling, than the younger generation. {make it clear why they have these opportunities. Is it because of having more money? It seems like I am missing a step here} In addition, there is no denying that grown people have greater freedom than teenagers because they {putting “they” here right after teenagers makes it sound like “they” and “themselves” refers to “teenagers”} are mainly responsible for themselves. Therefore, they might be able to express their opinions without concerns about [judgment from others], {this is a run-on sentence. Change this comma to a semicolon or a period} unlike youngsters, they know when to let things go.

All things considered, it is my strong belief that the best time for people is the adult life. {“the adult life” sounds a bit odd - “adult years” is better} Accordingly, I highly recommend that the government should enhance people’s awareness in terms of the rights and responsibilities of matures. {“matures” sounds very odd as a noun. To me it is unclear what you are advocating here and why this would be beneficial} If this recommendation is carried out, the comprehensive development of citizens will be ensured. {this seems very vague and does not really clarify anything for me}