Please help me with my IELTS Writing Task 2 - Topic: Education!

[Dan_Pham]

Hi Mr Luschen, could you score and give me some comments and advice about my writing. Thank you very much!

Topic: Some people think the main purpose of education is to make individuals useful to society; others say education helps them to achieve personal ambitions. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

My essay:

There is no doubt that education plays an integral role in human life. While some people argue that education system is a tool helping students on personal-development purpose, I believed that the primary objective of schooling is to provide well-educated citizens who can positively contribute to society.

On the one hand, there are a variety of explanations for which education is regarded as an effective way for individuals reach their personal goals. It is undeniable that attending education system can open pathways to career opportunities. In fact, most jobs require specific qualifications, which one can achieve after graduating from university. On the contrary, it is unlikely for those who were limited to primary and secondary education alone to achieve higher incomes than those completing a bachelor’s degree.

Nevertheless, I agree with the idea that education is the key contributor to develop a better society for various reasons. Firstly, a prosperous community is established mainly by well-qualified workforce who successfully accumulated knowledge from schools. For example, a doctor is unable to give the correct treatment to his patients without diligently attending to medical university. Secondly, by engaging in education, students are usually taught moral values toward the society such as tolerance and sharing, which are considered as the vital qualities that people need to acquire of to better their community. In fact, were the young to tremendously lack their community spirit, their country would seem to be rapidly dissolved in such a globalized world nowadays.

In conclusion, education is able to significantly contribute to social development and personal desire at the same time. However, it seems to me that the central purpose of education is to nurture remarkable individuals who can devote themselves to social improvement.

[Luschen]

Hi Dan, I enjoyed your essay and thought you did a pretty good job of answering the prompt.
But like I commented on another essay with this same topic, your first body paragraph seems to assume that everyone’s “personal ambitions” is to get a good job and make a lot of money. I think you need to focus a little more on whether education is to help individuals with whatever they want to do or whether it should focus more on the group, making sure there are enough doctors, engineers, and scientists to make the society prosper and be productive. Your writing itself was very clear, although you did have some errors here and there.
Here are my suggestions:

@Dan_Pham

There is no doubt that education plays an integral role in human life.{“in our modern society” sounds better here} While some people argue that [the] education system is a tool [whose raison d’etre should be] {a little vocabulary for you there! } helping students [find their [individual] {this stresses the individual vs group question that I think is a big part of the prompt} purpose by stressing personal development], I [believe] that the primary objective of schooling is to provide well-educated citizens who can positively contribute to society.

On the one hand, there are a variety of explanations [why] {the “for which” seemed confusing to me} education is regarded as an effective way for individuals [to] reach their personal goals. It is undeniable that [a well-designed] {you don’t really “attend” a “system”} education system can open pathways to career opportunities. In fact, most jobs require specific qualifications, which one can achieve [only by] after graduating from university. On the contrary, {good transition here} it is unlikely for those who were limited to primary and secondary education alone to achieve higher incomes than those completing a bachelor’s degree.

Nevertheless, I agree with the idea that education is the key contributor to [developing] a better society for various reasons. Firstly, a prosperous community is established mainly by [a ]well-qualified workforce who successfully accumulated knowledge from schools. For example, a doctor is unable to give the correct treatment to his patients without diligently [attending] medical university. Secondly, by engaging in education, {to me, “engaging in education” means educating others, becoming a teacher} students are usually taught moral values [critical to a smoothly-functioning] toward the society[,] such as tolerance and sharing, which are considered as the vital qualities that people need to acquire of to better their community. In fact, were the young to tremendously {“tremendous” has a positive connotation, so it doesn’t work well here} [seriously] lack their community spirit, their country would seem to be rapidly dissolved {“… would be in danger of rapidly dissolving” sounds better} in such a globalized world nowadays.

In conclusion, education is able to significantly contribute to social development and personal desire at the same time. {This is great! but did your first body paragraph really address “personal desire” apart from the topic sentence?} However, it seems to me that the central purpose of education is to nurture remarkable individuals who can devote themselves to social improvement. {hmm, it seems like you are trying to have it both ways - by focusing on nurturing individual talents, we can best help society. But that is not really what you argued in your body}