Please help me out with my writing!

[Colourless_Colourles]

Dear teacher,

I just initiate to practice on Writing, I know it might sound terrible please help me out with this!

                                         The Importance of Learning English

For me, in general, English plays a dominant role in every nation, both economically
developing and developed nations. Especially, emergent nations which should invest more in education, particularly in English since most branches of developed national companies that located in other countries have always been using English as the general tool to connect with their local employees. In specific, learning English is one of the best ways to get to know more about the world, other
countries, other cultures and friends. Either through books or travel, you will learn and obtain a lot from studying English, one of the best benefits you could have that you could possibly get your information from the original sources directly without need of the translated editions.
Those benefits which I mentioned above might sound obviously and basically and are not
things to compare to the greatest things or purposes that other people might concern about or were chasing after, but studying English never a lost or risky investment since it only get you your profit whether more or less depends on how much you invest your time your determination in studying English.
For instance, back to the days when I still a little boy who hasn’t got any of special talents but a
little bit interested in English which was the only subjects that I found myself good at until I got to know
about chemistry. Even though I love chemistry but English has been a part of my childhood, the songs
that I listened to, the TV programs that I watched, my favourite cartoons, and even my favourite games,
Harvest moon and Pokémon which I have to know English to be able to understand and play.
Even though my main major is in Automatic Engineering
but I after graduated I chose to be an English teacher, I realized that working with English was the only
way with which I felt a relevant career for me, a job that I desire to work in, a way for me to earn my
living and develop myself. I have been struggled my way out of finding a relevant job after I receive my
bachelor of Engineering. At the end of the day, I got it out of my system, I went back to my home town
and started to apply my CV to every English centre in Dalat. Luckily, I got my CV accepted here, at
THT.
English is an important language for everyone to study but they can not forced their way to
master in English, English is a language which requires time, effort and solitaire. When you got your English well nothing can stop you from your world travelling or business plans, etc.

I’m looking forward to hearing from you,

Tung

[Luschen]

Hi Tung, welcome to the forum. Could you tell me what the assignment or prompt was for this essay. Was it something like “Do you think it is important to learn English? Why or why not?”

[Colourless_Colourles]

Oh yes that what it is! sorry if I did not make it properly. ~~

[Luschen]

Hi Tung, I enjoyed reading your essay. Your English is not too bad, but your essay had a very conversational and informal tone.
I am not sure this is what you intended. It seems like a stream of consciousness response, just writing down whatever pops into your head. This is fine for say a letter to a friend, but a formal essay needs more organization. You have a lot of great ideas here, but I would try to organize these thoughts into specific paragraphs, with one main idea per paragraph. You should also have an introduction where you gradually introduce your topic and end with a thesis statement, which is the main point you are trying to make with your essay. I am not really sure exactly what your main point is here. Here is a webpage that I recommend that gives a general format for a formal essay. I think it would be helpful to you: BookRags.com | Study Guides, Essays, Lesson Plans, & Homework Help

@Colourless_Colourles

For me, in general, [From my point of view] {“for me” means you are about to give an example specific to you, while “in general” means the opposite, so these two phrases don’t work well together} English plays a dominant role in every nation, both economically
developing and developed nations. {is this your thesis statement?
If so, it should be at the end of your introduction, not at the beginning} Especially, emergent nations which should invest more in education, particularly in English[,] since most branches of developed national companies that [are] located in other countries have always been using [regularly use] English as the general tool to connect with their local employees. {this seems like a very specific reason to teach English in schools} [Specifically], learning English is one of the best ways to get to know more about the world, other countries, other cultures and friends. {this “friends” is confusing - it’s one of the best ways to get to know more about friends?} Either through {the “through” here means you could learn English by reading books or by traveling, but what you really mean to say is whether you choose to read books or to travel, English will help you} books or travel, you will learn and obtain a lot from studying English[. One] of the best benefits you could have [is being able to] that you could possibly get your information from the original sources directly without need of the translated editions.
Those benefits which I mentioned above might sound [obvious] and [basic] and are not things to [do not] compare to the greatest [ideas] {avoid using “things” - be more specific and creative} or purposes that other people might [be concerned about or [chase] after, but studying English [is] never a lost or risky investment since it [always results in] profit[. Whether this profit is large or small] depends on how much you invest your time [and] your determination in studying English. For instance, back [in] the days when I still a little boy[, I did not have] any of special talents [apart from a little bit of interest] but a little bit interested in English[,] which was the only [subject] that I found myself good at until I got to know about chemistry. Even though I love chemistry[,] but {don’t use both “even though” and “but” together like this} English has been a part of my childhood, [including] the songs
that I listened to, the TV programs that I watched, my favourite cartoons, and even my favourite games, Harvest [Moon] and Pokémon [for] which I have to know English to be able to understand and play.
Even though my main major [college degree] is in Automatic Engineering {do you mean “automation engineering”?}
but I after graduated I chose to be an English teacher[.] I realized that working with English was the only way with which I felt a relevant career for me, a job that I desire to work in, a way for me to earn my living and develop myself. I [had] been [struggling to find] my way out of finding a relevant job after I [received] my
bachelor of [engineering]. At the end of the day, I got it out of my system[;] I went back to my home town[, assembled my CV,]
and started to apply my CV to every English centre in Dalat. Luckily, I got my CV accepted [a job offer] here, at THT.
English is an important language for everyone to study but [one] can not [force oneself into mastering] forced their way to master in English, [as] English is a language which requires time, effort and [solitude].{I am not sure I agree with the solitude part though!} When you [have become fluent in] English[,] well nothing can stop you from [success in] your world[, whether it be] travelling or business plans, etc.

[Colourless_Colourles]

Thank you so much, I very appreciate it when you spent your time and correct my writing, love you! I am writing it again.