Please, give me some advice to improve my essay. Thank u so much!


#1

Schools are no longer necessary because children can get so much information available through the internet, and they can study just as well at home. To what extent do agree or disagree?

On the millennium of technological advances, the computer has profound impact on a numerous field of people’s lives. Recently, there is heated debate over the issue whether the children should be allowed to study at home with the computers instead of going to school. I totally disagree with this statement due to these two following reasons.
On the one hand, there is no point in denying that school always constitutes necessary and indispensable to one’s school live. Firstly, when studying at school, students are supplied with a great number of qualified teachers who authorize the class and impose the regulations which beyond all disputes instruct students to be more disciplined in their study. Whereas, if students are permitted to be seft-taught at home, especially those, their parents have to work outside, it seems relatively dangerous and dubious, for them to utilize the computers themselves without the strict supervision. Secondly, even assuming some students are computer-literate, teachers are still of paramount important because they are capable of creating for their students the friendly and optimal environment, experimenting new and splendid methods of teaching, giving the students feedback, which undoubtedly accelerate the students’ speed of gaining knowledge. Finally, learning at school assist the children’s social skills and build up teamwork because they have to work in team with others and cooperation is acquired.
On the other hand, the internet is inappropriate as a bizarre tool for children to educate themselves at home. The lack of face-to-face interaction and prestigious websites serving truly for studying purpose are the reasons for this doubt. Even though there are still some sites providing interactive learning but they just predominantly form with multiple choice questions and answers. While at school, the teachers actively tailor the studying strategies to satisfy the needs of students, the internet is considered to have less mobility in terms of alteration. Moreover, when studying online, it will have no substitute for mutual communication in which students exchange knowledge with teachers and their counterparts. Furthermore, the development of the capability to sift necessary information available online only comes later when students enter higher or enrol on a vocational course, it can open up the possibility for them playing online rather than devote to studying.
In conclusion, the above-mentioned facts give people the glimpse about the disadvantages of allowing students to use computer to study without going to school. Although there are several excellent studying websites, school remain imperative, adhere to one’s live and future, giving the students structure framework which nothing can be taken place.


#2

Hi AnkKa, thanks for your patience, I have been on vacation for the last two weeks. I enjoyed your essay. You have a good structure and your topic sentences do a good job of being broad enough to cover all of the reasons in your body paragraphs. I think concentrating on fewer reasons and including more descriptive examples to illustrate your ideas might help your paragraphs feel more developed. As is, it sounds a little too much like a bullet-point list of reasons. You writing is clear for the most part, but you do have some phrases that don’t sound that natural and some errors in your subject/verb matching. Here are some specific suggestions:

[In this new] millennium[, full] of technological advances, {the previous millennium also had many technological advances, so this seems better} the computer has [a] profound impact on [] numerous [fields] of people’s lives. {though a person’s life doesn’t really have many fields - maybe many aspects} Recently, there [has been] heated debate over the issue [of] whether [] children should be allowed to study at home with [] computers instead of going to school. I totally disagree with this statement due to these two following reasons.
On the one hand, there is no point in denying that school always constitutes [a ]necessary and indispensable [foundation for] {with “constitutes” you need an object - constitutes what?} one’s school [life]. Firstly, when studying at school, students are supplied with a great number of qualified teachers who authorize {“authorize” is not really good - I think you mean "wield authority over the class} the class and impose the [necessary] regulations which beyond all disputes {this sounds a little odd - is the necessity of the regulations beyond dispute, or do these regulations prevent disputes in the school?} instruct students to be more disciplined in their study. Whereas, if students are permitted to be seft-taught at home, especially those[ whose] parents have to work outside, {“work outside” means work outdoors, so it really needs to be “work outside the home”} it seems relatively dangerous and dubious, {no comma here} for them to utilize the computers themselves without [] strict supervision. {why is it dangerous and dubious? your statement is not really supported - an illustration using an actual event would be helpful here} Secondly, even assuming some students are computer-literate, teachers are still of paramount important because they are capable of creating for their students the friendly and optimal environment, experimenting [with] new and splendid methods of teaching, [and] giving the students feedback, which undoubtedly [would] accelerate the students’ speed of gaining knowledge. Finally, learning at school [assists] the children’s social skills {it doesn’t assist their skills, it assists them in developing those skills} and [builds] up teamwork because they have to work in [teams] with others and cooperation is acquired.
On the other hand, the internet is inappropriate as a bizarre {“bizarre” is a very strong word here and you have not really justified it} tool for children to educate themselves at home. The lack of face-to-face interaction and prestigious {“prestigious” sounds very odd when talking about a website} websites [] truly [optimized] for studying purpose are the reasons for this doubt. Even though there are still some {“are still” means there used to be more, and there are still a few remaining - this is not correct in your context} sites providing interactive learning but they [] predominantly [consist just of] multiple choice questions and answers. While at school, the teachers actively tailor the studying strategies to satisfy the needs of students, the internet is considered to have less [flexibility] in terms of alteration.{“in terms of alteration” sounds pretty odd, really you just mean flexibility} Moreover, [] studying online, [is] no substitute for mutual communication in which students exchange knowledge with teachers and their counterparts. Furthermore, the development of the capability to sift [through] necessary information available online only comes later when students enter higher [education] or [enroll in] a vocational course[ Without this framework,] it can open up the possibility [of] them playing online rather than [devoting their time] to studying.
In conclusion, the above-mentioned facts give [the reader a] glimpse [of] the disadvantages of allowing students to use [computers] to study without going to school. Although there are several excellent studying websites, school [remains] imperative, adhere to one’s live and future,{this phrase is unclear to me - you can’t really adhere to your life} giving the students [a structural] framework which nothing can [take the place of]. {though some graders might not like ending a sentence with a preposition, so probably safer to just say “which nothing can replace”}


#3

Dear Luschen, thank you so much for your elaborate advice, i learnt a lot from those. I hope that u will continue helping me to improve my next essays!!!


#4

And i think ‘’ beyond all dispute ‘’ means certainly . Right ?


#5

Yes, ‘beyond dispute’ means ‘definite’ and it also signals that there is no room for further debate or discussion. By the way, please review the correct spelling of the personal pronouns ‘you’ and ‘I’ again.


#6

Hi AnhKa, yes “beyond all dispute” does mean certainly, but as Torsten said, it usually refers to a debate or a point of contention. So in your context, I don’t think it sounds completely natural. If you want to use it, I would suggest something like :

Firstly, when studying at school, students interact with a great number of qualified teachers who serve as authority figures in the class and impose the regulations, which beyond all dispute are effective in instructing students to be more disciplined in their study.


#7

Thank you so much for your explanation, certainly i will never make this mistake again. Thanks!!!:hugs::hugs: