Please edit my essay and inform me about my score, Thank you in advance, Ghassem

A society is made of different kinds of people who have different types of habits, but they all live together. So they need to co-operate with eachother in many things. Children who learn how to co-operate with other kids in works, can afford their duties much better. But some believe that we must encourage our children to compete with eachother during their working. These two ideas have benefits and differences which are mentioned below.
Actually, by a look at the meaning of society, we can understand that we need to live with a vast range of people around us, everyone with a different point of view about life. This shows the important role of group work, which can lead to larger quantities of development and peace. If we teach our children to co-operate with other kids, then we will be hopeful to have more successful adults in future, due to much greater responsiblities they can afford.
Competition is a very good way of knowing our own abilities and drawbacks, and this will help us to improve ourselves and to solve our problems of disabilities. By encouraging our children to rise their sense of competition, we will give them the chance to compare themselves with other children and this will result in big improvements in ways they act.
If our children have the sense of competition, they will be adults who are thirsty of more successes and more success will lead to more developments in society.
overall, I believe that sense of competition must come with group work. Since we are living in society and we deal with so many types of people and jobs, we need to have human resources who can co-operate with others as well as their families. So, I think that it would be better if we teach our children to compete with other childen and be involved in group activities at the same time. If we encourage our children to be involved in both fields, then we will be hopeful of having adults who want to improve themselves during group working with others, and this means a more developed and peaceful society.

TOEFL listening discussions: What are the two students doing?

You can make it better by writing a bit more and using more sophisticated vocabulary. I think TOEFL will appreciate it :).