Please correct my paragraph: Risks in stock investment

Please correct this paragraph. Thanks for help

Like anything, there is a variety of disadvantages in investing stocks. We are going to explore three risks including unexpected risks by changing economy, gambling addiction and relying on luck, not” brain” in stock investment. Originally, investing in stock market is riskier than other types of investments. Stock is not the safe type investment all the time. It means that if you are knowledgeable enough to invest stocks, you also can’t control some situations that happen unexpectedly by changing economy. For example, the attack on September, 11th 2001 had a significant impact on the United States and world economy. Many largest stock exchanges in US had to close until 17th September such as New York Stock Exchange, NASDAQ (National Association of Securities Dealers Automated Quotation System). When these stock exchanges opened, the stock market index fell sharply and not only affect investors, but also those companies who issued stocks. Many investors were deep in debt and companies bankrupted on that day. The second major risk of stock investment is stock gambling addiction. Investor will turn themselves to gamblers even when they win or lose. They can’t control themselves and play stocks until losing everything. Because like other kinds of gambling such as playing cards, betting on horses or football, Stock gambling may make people addictive in earning money and it will lead to uncontrollability. Something unseen inside their heart will push them to try another time even they won or lost. Finally, even people have knowledge in investment; they always intend to rely on their luck rather than their knowledge and capability. As a result, sometime their heart could lead up to have wrong decisions in investing. Wrong decisions might lead up to bankruptcy.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture by a professor of Art

Please help me to correct it. i appreciate your time and your helping

Dear Allan, i appreciate if u look at this.^^

I think your essay is good, but you have not separated them into parts. Good essay should consist of introduction, main body: supprting arguments and examples; and conclussion. In your case I could not see none of them. Try to follow rule so you can get high score

Like anything, there are variety of disadvantages in investing stocks. We are going to explore three risks including unexpected risks by changing economy, gambling addiction and relying on luck, not” brain” in stock investment. Originally, investing in stock market is more risky than other types of investments. Stock is not the safe type investment all the time. It means that if you are knowledgeable enough to invest stocks, you also can’t control some situations that happen unexpectedly by changing economy. For example, the attack on September, 11th 2001 had a significant impact on the United States and world economy. Many largest stock exchanges in US had to close until 17th September such as New York Stock Exchange, NASDAQ (National Association of Securities Dealers Automated Quotation System). When these stock exchanges opened, the stock market index fell sharply and not only affect investors, but also those companies who issued stocks. Many investors were deep in debt and companies bankrupted on that day. The second major risk of stock investment is stock gambling addiction. Investor will turn themselves to gamblers even when they win or lose. They can’t control themselves and play stocks until losing everything. Because like other kinds of gambling such as playing cards, betting on horses or football, Stock gambling may make people addictive in earning money and it will lead to uncontrollability. Something unseen inside their heart will push them to try another time even they won or lost. Finally, even people have knowledge in investment; they always intend to rely on their luck rather than their knowledge and capability. As a result, sometime their heart could lead up to have wrong decisions in investing. Wrong decisions might lead up to bankruptcy.

I’m sorry, this is a paragraph not essay =))

Hi,

I have made some amendments:

Like anything, there is a variety of disadvantages in investing IN stocks. We are going to explore three risks including unexpected risks by changing economy, gambling addiction and relying on luck, not” brain” in stock investment. Originally, investing in THE stock market is riskier than other types of investments. Stock is not the safeST type investment OF all time. It means that if you are knowledgeable enough to invest IN stocks, you can’t ALSO/ALWAYS control some situations that happen unexpectedly THROUGH THE changing economy. For example, the attack on September, 11th 2001 had a significant impact on the United States and world economy. Many OF THE largest stock exchanges in US had to close until 17th September such as THE New York Stock Exchange, NASDAQ (National Association of Securities Dealers Automated Quotation System). When these stock exchanges opened, the stock market index fell sharply and not only affectED investors, but also those companies who issued stocks. Many investors were deep in debt and companies WERE bankrupted on that day. The second major risk of stock investment is stock gambling addiction. InvestorS will turn themselves INto gamblers even when they win or lose. They can’t control themselves and play stocks until THEY LOSE everything. Because like other kinds of gambling such as playing cards, betting on horses or football, Stock gambling may make people addictED TO earning money and it will lead to A LACK OF CONTROL. Something unseen inside their heart will push them to try another time even IF they won or lost. Finally, even IF people have A knowledge OF investment, they always intend to rely on their luck rather than their knowledge and capability. As a result, sometimeS their heart CAN lead up to MAKE wrong decisions in investing. Wrong decisions might lead to bankruptcy.

Alan

Oh, thanks a lot. I have a questions to ask you, Allan. I wonder the topic named "Risks in stock market"means u could say anything about disadvantages in stock investment?