Please correct my first GRE essay

GRE ISSUE “Eductors should find out what students want included in the curriculum and then offer it to them”.

The author asserts that students’ suggestions should be considered when developing an educational curriculum. From my vantage point, I do subscribe to this perspective that the students comments should given priority as one of the most considerable factor while curriculum planning. Nowadays, the world around us is changing abruptly, and it is our duty to adopt our educational system best with such changes. In fact, there are manifold examples give support to my favorable attitude towards the subject that some of them are mentioned as follows.

Previously, educational systems, especially schools, were highly restricted to the pedagogues’ ideas, and educators pay no attention to the students’ preference. That is, the schools were inundated with rigid rules and regulations, and educators were allowed to perform any punishments in a case of not following those rules. Under such circumstances, schools were regarded as a terrifying place among nations and students were unlikely to complete even the most elementary educational level, thereby increasing the rate of illiteracy. Therefore, in retrospect, inflexible school curriculum has failed to catch populace interest to gain academic knowledge.

One of the most significant factors in order to encourage students to further education is to make the materials more interesting in educational ceneters. In this regard, curriculum should be designed based on students’ preference. Nowadays, human needs necessiate more development of creative ideas in scientific fields. Thus, the educational environment should be conducive to learning and among all curriculum is of great importance. The curriculum that challenge students and grab their attention could be highly helpful and there is no way except to consult with students. Given this, students would put more time and energy on their syllabus, thereby developing more innovation. As a result, inflexible or fix curriculum induce narrow mindedness in the youth.

In addition to all mentioned reasons, in case students are allowed to design their own curriculum, they will definitely pay more attention to the practical usage of materials in their lives as long as their interest. As a result, students challenge the management of planning to gain better short-term and long-term efficiency. Thus, management, as an utmost important factor of successful, will also be taught. As a byproduct, the principles of democracy are considered in this situation and individuals would see how their views are given credence.

Taking everything into consideration, special priority should be given to needs and interests of students in choosing the academic materials. I hope that educational authorities keep taking decisive steps in developing more up-to-date syllabus with the help of the students’ comments.

Hi, I thought your writing was not too bad. You have correctly addressed the prompt, apart from your second paragraph, which I think went quite a bit off topic. Overall, your examples and ideas were not entirely convincing to me. The main point to me is who knows best what will help the students in their future - the students themselves or the faculty? There is a point to be made for either case, but you did not seem to address this very directly. You also had quite a few odd sounding phrases and some very unclear sentences that interfered with my understanding of some of your ideas. I would score this essay a 3.

I really appreciate you comments. You are right, I should pay more attention on developing idea and creating more logical sentences.
Many thanks Luschen,