Please correct and rate my Toefl essay! Thank you very much!

Topic: In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.
Essay:
It is not surprising at all if you see a teenager in America working in a restaurant, a store or as a tutor, and then you are told that he is still a student. In fact, in some countries together with America, many teenagers who are still studying in universities, colleges and even in high schools have part-time jobs. And I believe this is a good idea because they can earn money for their needs and also gain much experience about life.

Foremost, the money earned from the job will support teenagers’ life. In some countries, there are students who do not have enough financial support from their families such as India, Vietnam and China. Therefore, finding a part-time job is the only way to support themselves to pay for tuition fee, food and accommodation. There are also many international students studying in America have to work to support their life in the state to nourish their dreams of approaching the high education. Besides, students who have enough money from their family also work to earn money for other functions. They can use it for a picnic, buying a phone or simply getting a ticket to the theater.

Secondly, throughout the working process, teenagers can collect much experience they need for the future. I remember a folktale in my countries that is often told. There was a lazy teen boy who did not work at all, one day his father sent him off their family but his mom give him some money before he left. He spent all his money in a few weeks without a sense of regret, and when he was hungry, he had to find work at many place to support himself. A few years later he returned to his father and gave him money he earned, suddenly the father threw all money of his son into the fire, the son hastily raked the money from the fire, because he must worked very hard to earn it. The story ends up with the father give his son the inheritance for he knew the son have learned an invaluable lesson. So the point is, working is the only way to respect the value of labor, that lesson should be learned for all students.

To conclude, experience and money are the two valuable things that teenagers can obtain from working. The modern society require students improving themselves not only with the school lessons but the skills such as communicating, teamwork and managing, and also the stable financial support, so if working is not the way to collect these things then what is the better one?

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a life sciences class (4)

Hi Voyager, I think you have done a very good job. You have an excellent introduction and your essay is well organized and clear. You have some good examples and I liked your folk story. It is somewhat similar to a Western story called “The Prodigal Son”, but has a different ending - have you heard of that one? Still, you do have some sentence construction errors and the quality of your writing seemed to get a little worse towards the end. Your final sentence sounded really awkward and there were a few other unnatural sounding phrases here and there. Still, overall, I would rate this a 4 out of 5.