Please correct and rate my IELTS essay(a#1working from home). Thank you very much

Topic:
With computers people can now shop, bank, work and communicate without leaving home. The danger is that people could become isolated from each other and lose social skills which help them live with others. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?


Some people argue that people may disappear social skills when they perform daily-related activities on the computer from home. From my point of view, I think this consequence is positive for the following reasons.

First of all, using a computer to perform people’s daily business can cultivate individuals’ communicational skills. For example, while people intend to purchase furniture via the Internet, in order to ensure the quality they may post an enquire on a sharing website and talk with others. It is really common to occur on people’s daily lives. Moreover, for getting a discount price, people always recruit other individuals’ orders on the computer. As a result, people have more opportunities to make new friends and foster their communication skills via the computer.

Secondly, communicating on the computer at home is a revolution approach of communication. With the advanced of the Internet, people can keep in touch with their friends. In addition, more and more websites such as Facebook and Twitter afford a place where people can update about themselves in anytime. Therefore, the relationship with their relations or friends is closer than they used to. Apart from that, there are many software applications like Skype and MSN, which allow people to hold a meeting or conversation with their overseas customers more easily. Therefore, through the revolution, people’s interpersonal relationship is powerful than before.

In conclusion, from what has been discussed, people can enhance their interpersonal communication skills and relationship while people using the computer to cope with their daily actions. I firmly believe that people can benefit by using computers from home.

(264/250)

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture in social science class

Hi, I thought your essay was pretty good. I think your structure is ok, although your conclusion and thesis statement are pretty weak - try to add some general statements about computers or communication to start your introduction. Please also see my comments about your second body paragraph. Your vocabulary is not bad, but a little bit too basic. Your grammar is pretty good, but you do have a few unnatural sounding phrases. Overall, I would rate this essay a band 6.

Dear Luschen,
I really appreciate your correction! I’ve revised the second boby paragraph as below; could you kindly give me some suggestions. Thank you:)

Secondly, communicating on the computer at home can boost a closer relationship than they used to be. In terms of working from home employees no longer have to commute to an office and they can save ample time and energy to address their tasks more efficiently. As a result, they have much more time to take care of their children or relations and the relationship with their relations or children is closer than they used to be. Besides, companies can reduce their costs for renting outlet and they have much money to devote on employees’ welfare such as employees’ abroad tours. Therefore, employees have more opportunities to foster their international communication with various background people.

Dear Luschen,
I really appreciate your correction! I’ve revised the second boby paragraph as below; could you kindly give me some suggestions. Thank you:)

Secondly, communicating on the computer at home can boost a closer relationship than they used to be. In terms of working from home employees no longer have to commute to an office and they can save ample time and energy to address their tasks more efficiently. As a result, they have much more time to take care of their children or relations and the relationship with their relations or children is closer than they used to be. Besides, companies can reduce their costs for renting outlet and they have much money to devote on employees’ welfare such as employees’ abroad tours. Therefore, employees have more opportunities to foster their international communication with various background people.