please correct and rate my essay

hello, i’m new comer. pls help me. here is my essay

Topic: write a composition, giving reasons why school and college students should not do part-time work.

With the economic development, more and more students are engaged in the activities of part-time work. There is no doubt that they not only earn some money to support themselves but have chance to demonstrate their ability. However, there are absolutely some disadvantages such as distraction from study, unexpected dangers and time-consuming.

In the beginning, too much work may cut into student’s study time when they should get background knowledge for their future job. They do not have enough time to self-study, namely, doing homework, reading or researching. Furthermore, a person’s energy is limited. If he works in a long time, he may find it hard to take in the information. As a result, their study will be seriously affected.

Secondly, part-time work may lead to social problems. Students have to face various dangers. Being a student is a full time job so he has to work out late at night or early in the morning. Sometimes he has to contact with strangers such as delivering newspaper or door-to-door selling. Therefore, he can be abused severely. Moreover, money has bad effects on students who spend money smoking or drinking rather than studying. Besides, some jobs may exposes students to violence, dishonesty and corruption that poison their unguided minds.

Finally, working while studying deprives students of their time of sleep and will do harm to their health. They are still in the process of building up their body and thinking. Students need time to do exercise and engage in other activities and adequate rest. If they work, they sacrifice the time for sleeping, playing games, going shopping and having fun with families. This will be definitely harmful to their health.

In summary, based on these above discussions, I do not think it is a good idea for students to do part-time works. Those students should keep a good balance between study and job. As a student, acquiring more knowledge especially what comes from books is their main task. They should value and make full use of their time.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why is the man taking this course?

Hi, welcome to the forum. You seem to be well on your way to getting a good score. I like your overall structure and your examples are pretty good, but making them even more personal and specific would be an improvement. Most of your writing sounds very natural, although you do have some minor grammatical mistakes and some issues with your word usage and sentence structure. Still, an excellent effort, I would rate this a 4 out of 5.

thank you very much.