Please correct and rate my essay, thank you! :)

English as a Second Language Preparation for and help with the TOEFL® Test and
#1

What changes would you like your government to make? Use reasons to support your response.

If I have a chance to ask my government to make some changes for my country, Taiwan, I would like my government to organize all the public transportation systems in the capital city in a better way and raise the conscious of protecting the environment.

To begin with, well organized public transportation systems are needed in my country. The public transportation systems in the Taipei City, the capital city of Taiwan, are not well systematic. We do have three or four subway lines and a lot of bus services in the city. However, they are not connected really well. People need to walk and wait for a long time to transfer from two systems. If my government can improve the service schedule of each system into better connected, people can save more time on traveling and work more efficiently. Moreover, as we all know, tourists do not like to waste time on traveling with confusing transportation systems, a well organized public transportation system will definitely be a great advantage on our tourism.

Secondly, I think my government should pay more attention on environment protecting issues. Government should make new policies for restrict factories keep polluting our environment. Plastic production is one of the major manufacturing industries in Taiwan since forty years ago. There are a lot of greenhouse gases and waste water will be release while producing plastic, which polluted our environment significantly. In my point of view, my government need to issue new policies to force these factories to clean the polluted air and contained water before releasing them.

Suffice it to say, in order to keep a suitable living standard planet for our offspring and providing them better traveling systems, we must change the way we are doing now. I think the government in my country should take the responsibility. Consequently, I would like my government to make changes on the public transportation and the environment.

TOEFL listening lectures: Which designer did not work at the Bauhaus?

#2

Hi Chrissy, I thought this was a good essay. I liked the way you tied the two different topics together in your conclusion, it might have been better to do this earlier in your essay during the introduction. Still, you did a good job of developing your ideas and your examples were very vivid and relevant. You have a few word choices that could be improved and you seemed to struggle with choosing the correct preposition in certain places. You also had a couple of awkward phrases and some miscellaneous errors. Overall, I would rate this a 4 out of 5.

#3

Can you check my essay too, please? Thanks!

When someone asks me the question: “what do you consider to be the most important change the government could include in its program?”, my answer depends on many factors, such as what are the benefits produced. In my view, there are three main changes that the Spanish government has to make in order to improve the standard of living of its citizens. These changes are creating new jobs, fighting corruption and investing in education.

First, I would like to see my government take effective measures to create new jobs and reduce unemployment. Today, nearly 6 million people have no job and can’t bring home any income. Why don’t they search for a job? The answer is simple: there isn’t any. Spain is immersed in a strong crisis and people are struggling. If new jobs are created, citizens will be given new opportunities to support their living. That’s why I believe that government should promote employment by generating new job positions.

Another change would be fight corruption, since it drains the state’s budget. It has been found that nearly 80 million euros have been stolen by corrupt politicians in the last ten years, yet no real measures have been adopted to stop it. Corruption withdraws public resources from much-needed investments and hinders economic growth. Public figures, such as politicians, don’t have the right to spend the nation’s money in their own wealth; therefore they should be punished if they do so. Fighting corruption will protect the nation’s funds and, for this reason, Spanish government has to change the law and make it stricter.

Last but not least, the government should invest more in education because it is the best way to prepare the future. Because of the present crisis, many cuts have been made in critical areas, especially in education. Education plays a critical role in a society: it allows young people to be cultured and skilled, it provides them the tools to achieve their aspirations and it helps them succeed in life. An educated population is more respectful and hardworking, and therefore it benefits the country. Because of that, government should focus on investing in education.

As far as I am concerned, citizens are the key elements of a country, so all changes have to be directed towards helping them have a better life. I believe that changes like creating jobs, fighting corruption and investing in education will make our country a more delightful place to live in.

#4

Hi Ezb, welcome! You have to post a new topic for your essay so that Luschen can correct it there. :slight_smile:

#5

I didn’t know that. Thanks for the information!

#6

Dear Luschen, can I use “a healthy planet” instead of “living standard planet”? Thank you!

#7

Hi. “Healthy planet” is fine but what I think you really mean is “to create a planet with universally high standards of living”.