please check my story

Many people believe that it is very important to make large amount of money, while others are satisfied to earn a comfortable living. Analyze each viewpoint and take a stand.
Generally, people want to be happy in life. Happiness is the prime thing in life. Happiness is seen in many things by the person. It depends on the characteristics of personality. Ordinarily, people see happiness in money. The other ones do not care about being rich. They just try to pay out expenses for the normal life. I prefer to be satisfied to earn little money for comfortable life. I have several arguments to support my resistance to earn large sum money.
First and foremost, that type of people work hard in order to earn lots of money. The time and rigor will be accepted the most important thing by businessman. They will put all their energy and time to their business. Therefore, they will not have time to spend time with own family. This behavior eventually will weaken the family relationships. I want to point out my uncle as an example. He worked hard all his life. He is one of big business owners in the country. But his relation with his own family is not good. He randomly gave his time to his family. The only aim for him is capital.
The other important argument is health. Our lives depend on the health of our bodies. High-paid works involves too many risks. Risks are taken by people who want to earn great sum money. That kind of people work all their life diligently and without resting. As a result, little healthy problems starting to appear. That problem eventually will cover all parts of body. It will continue until the person is not able to do work. I can give as an example, businessman Mike Torran. He was accepted leader in industry of his country. But He was cancer. The cancer is the illness that is not healing. He started to take care of himself very late.
In conclusion, I want to state that the most important thing is family. I agree that money is important. We need money to afford our ordinary life. We can have lots of money. But what we will do with the money if nobody will be spent for.

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture by a professor of History

First, please note that this is an essay, not a story - a story is a short, fictional piece of writing with a plot and characters. That said, I think your writing in this is pretty good - much better than your previous essays. The trouble is the prompt says to “analyze each viewpoint” for this type of prompt, which also may say “discuss both sides”, or “compare both opinions”, it wants you to discuss both sides, not just focus on one. So your outline would be “Introduction - Advantages of making a lot of money - Advantages of living a simple life - My opinion - Conclusion” You can also combine your opinion with the conclusion. As I said, your writing sounded pretty clear, though you do have some grammatical mistakes and a few confusing phrases. Overall, I would rate this a 3.5, but they may penalize you more for not discussing both sides.

thanks for corrections

Suggestion to improve subject of this thread:
Essay: Money vs comfortable living.