please check my essay: the topic of mine is inside the thread

[color=blue]Topic: You have enough money to purchase either a house or a biz, which would you choose to buy

 Personally, in the case I have a large amount of money that allows me to buy a house, or to start a business, I would rather start a business than buying a house. Buying a house can bring me a shelter, but starting a business will lead me to my bright future, including having a shelter. I will have opportunities to increase that amount of money. Besides, I also discover the orientation of my life.

  To begin with, having a large amount of money does not mean that I cannot increase that amount. Starting a business, I have chances to enlarge my business, and who can make sure that I will not succeed? In my country, they say that giving someone a rod is better than giving someone a fish. It means providing someone a way to brighten their future is more effective than providing them the goal. Perhaps, running a business will bring me more money, whilst having a house will not; and having more money, I can then buy a house and keep my business.

  In addition to the time issue, starting with a business, especially the small one, I have more enthusiasm to work, and surely, I can find my mission in life. Imaging I choose to buy a house with that amount of money, what will I do later on, when I spend all money on the house? There is no way to make sure that I will live happily with just a house. Absolutely, running a business may bring me pressure, but it also leads me to my success.

  To sum up, I prefer starting a business to buying a house if I have a large amount of money. This decision is going to bring me to my further future, included a job, a happy family, not only a house.

thank you

TOEFL listening lectures: What aspect of USA Today does the professor mainly discuss?

Hi, I enjoyed reading your essay. I think you have the correct structure and you have addressed the prompt well. Your introduction is a little abrupt - it would be good to begin with some more general statements about money and/or ambition. Tiye vocabulary is not too bad. You have some grammatical errors, but more importantly, you have several phrases that sound very awkward and unnatural. Overall, I would rate your essay a 3.5 out of 5.

thank you, i’m trying my best to improve my writing skill ^^