please check my essay and grade it

Throughout history the changes in trends of fashion and beauty have allured millions of people’s attention. Whether it is suitable or not, the media has made it far more accessible for everyone to know about fashion. However, I believe that book should not be judged by its cover.

Firstly, following the up to the minute fashion can be extremely expensive for numerous people to afford. Therefore, this might engender sophisticated issues about the people’s different standards of living; who is fashionable is wealthy, while who is not is outdated and poor. In fact this could affect the people’s confidence, making them under more continuous pressure to be the best dressed and update, which honestly should not be the top ranked priority for people nowadays. Instead being healthy, keeping fit and alleviating stress are what they should seek.

On the other hand, it is alleged that the most appealing person is the one who crazes about latest trends and cares to follow it precisely. Perhaps this person will be regarded as more momentous, thus will be treated discriminately better than others. Nevertheless, it is not the one’s appearance which decides he/she should be respected more than others. This is due to the fact that the person’s qualities are what the people definitely interact with, not the person’s clothes.

To conclude, I think that fashion is not a rule that must be followed. It would be probably arduous to be fashionable all the time, not owing to the flexible trends but to give the opportunity for the real person inside you to dress as you want not confined by fashion rules

   the question says '' giving your views on attaching too much importance to buying and wearing fashionable clothes.''

by the way this one is 72 words more do you think that there was a paragraph which is needs to be a little bit summarised.

Thanks in advance

TOEFL listening discussions: How many chemicals are required for the girl’s experiment?

Hi, I thought this essay was much better. I think you could condense the final few sentences of your second and third paragraphs a bit if you had to stay below a certain word count. Your essay seemed well organized and easy to follow and correctly addressed the prompt. You still have a few word usage errors and some awkward and unclear sentences. I would rate this as follows:
Relevance 7
Development of ideas 7
Style 6
Accuracy 5