please check and rate my essay

Your government recently announced that it plans to hold a major sporting event in your country. It is asking people’s views about the plan. Write a letter to the minister for sport giving your feelings about the plan.
Your letter should be about 150-200 words long.

the criteria of marking on the last two pages… … ndorsement%20(0510)/0510_w06_ms_2.pdf

Dear Minister,
Having read about the announcements of holding a major sporting event in the country, I am writing to express my opinion and my objections to this situation.
What is more, developing infrastructure required for such events act as a catalyst for the development of hosting nations. For example, major sporting events usually require upgrades to transport and communication links. As a result, better transportation trims down congestion and traffic jams that may be caused by these sporting events.
Hosting major sporting events like the Olympics or the World Cup attracts millions of people for the month of the duration. These foreign tourists bring a boost to the local economy. In particular the local tourist trade, shops and hotels will benefit from the surge in visitor numbers.
On the other hand, the cost of hosting a major sporting event has increased significantly in recent years due to heightened security measures besides the high levels of investment required. It is hard to meet these costs running into billions through sponsorship and ticket sales alone.
I strongly believe that these events are an extremely prestigious affair today and all nations look forward to be able to host one. I hope you would take all my views in consideration.

                                                                                  Yours sincerely,

                                               Thanks in advance.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why is the student talking to the advisor?

Hi, I think your writing is very good in this one, but I am unclear about your main point. Are you for or against hosting this event? In your intro you write about your objections to the event, but most of your letter is about the benefits it would have. Also, it would be better to mention exactly what the event is. Are we talking about the Olympic Games or just hosting the World Badminton Championships? There is a big difference! As I said though, your writing itself is very good with only a few errors here and there. I would rate your content a 5 and your language a 7.

Hi Relina,
In general, your letter is pretty good - you give us strong arguments and I see that you have done your research. Yet, you may want to improve the way you express your ideas. Try to make your formulations clearer. For instance, this sentence: “What is more, developing infrastructure required for such events act as a catalyst for the development of hosting nations.” After reading it, I was actually at a loss on whether you are for or against this event. It seems that this argument is actually for this event though you’ve promised to give your objections… You may want to rewrite or even replace this sentence.
Here I’ve found soem god tips on letter writing: I think these tips and examples could help you.