Hi luschen, could you please take a look at my essay, and rate it in IELTS Bandscore, many thanks to youuuu .
Some people think that personal happiness directly related to economic success. other people argue that happiness depends on different factors. Discuss both sides.
One of the most common topics in today’s societies is about the factors which bring the personal happiness. In effect, it is believed by many that economic success is an essential element of happiness, but there are still people who choose to oppose this opinion.
As a matter of fact, those who are for such an opinion can suggest strong arguments. One of their main justifications is that with being wealthy, people can make their life so much easier. To be more specific, it is sensible to say that the people who achieve economic success can have enough money to afford higher living conditions such as better accommodations, medical treatments which are all indispensable for happy life.
However, some people still think that money is not the factor of greatest importance which determines the personal happiness of human beings. Indeed, it can be commonly held that other factors such as health or social relationships should be given priority over money when it comes to the pursuit of happiness. For example, there is no way that a millionaire who is suffering from cancer feels happy or never can a rich person be satisfied with their life without social relationships.
To put it in a nutshell, there is no doubt that economic success brings tremendous benefits to human life, but there still remain some concerns worthy of attention. My own points of view is that people need both money and other factors to have a happy life.
Hi Vo Duc Luong, I think your writing is very good. You addressed the topic well and your writing is very clear. I would have like to see more content or a few more examples, as some of your essay seemed unnecessarily wordy to me. That might be more of a personal bias of mine though. You only had a few minor errors, but you did have a few phrases that could be stated more naturally. Overall, I would rate this a band 7.