People spend more time far away from families


#1

Hi Mr.Luschen
It’s been quite a long time since my last essay here as I had a very hectic schedule last month.
Can you help me correct my new essay? Thank you so much

People in many countries spend more and more time far away from their families. Why does this happen, and what effects will it have on them and their families.

It is true that a great number of people nowadays are living and working far from their homes. There could be various reasons for this reality, and its effects on the people and their families will be discussed in the following paragraphs.

To begin with, that people spend more time away from their families may result from some reasons. Firstly, students in rural areas move to cities to study in universities, and then they choose to stay there to work after graduating. In addition, workers want to seek a higher-paid job in urban areas as they have very few choices in their hometown. Some people would like to take on new challenges by working abroad to join to global workforce. For young adult, they might move out from families in order to live on their own and have an independent life.

This trend could have both positive and adverse effects on the people and their families. For workers moving to big cities, they will have a wide variety of jobs to choose from, and therefore can earn much more money to support their families. Students will also have a chance to achieve a better education. Moreover, they can learn to take care of themselves while living far from their parents. On the other hand, staying in a new environment could result in loneliness and homesickness sometimes. The separation among family members is likely to weaken the bond between parents and their children. The fact is that a lot of kids have become naughty, or disobedient since they lack parental guidance at their early age.

In conclusion, people spend more time far from families due to their work and study. This reality could be both beneficial and detrimental to themselves and their families at the same time.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a professor and a departmental secretary


#2

Sure, I would be happy to give my comments. I think you have done a good job in addressing the prompt.
You have avoided the error of giving your opinion, which this prompt does not ask for, but is still tempting to do, so good job on avoiding that mistake.
I do think you could have addressed the effect on families a little better.
This trend is really changing the social structure, as multi-generational, extended families are much more rare. The elderly are left behind in rural villages when their children move to the big cities. As a result, the state is often expected to take care of these isolated senior citizens, when before they would be living with their kids, who would bear that responsibility. Also, the traditional customs and beliefs that before would be passed down from generation to generation around the dinner table or during evening conversations do not get a chance to flourish, since the older generation are isolated, miles away from the youth. These are important changes that I think you might have mentioned. Here are some specific suggestions: