New essay :) pls rate it : THANK U VERY MUCH

[Borg4]

-Question
Do you agree or disagree? Every student should travel or work for a year before going to college.

The question is should every student travel or work for a year before going to college. Contrary to popular belief, they shouldn’t. I disagree with the question. From my perspective, I believe that people that going travel or work before college are wasting their time, they can also work and travel during the period of studying, and this could make people to eschew colleges more then one year.

First, people will waste their one year before beginning to college. For example, one of my friends tried to enhance his work experience before deciding to go to college. Even though he worked so hard to find a good job but result is ended in the kitchen of a restaurant. An employer doesn’t want unskilled workers anymore.

Furthermore, students can work or travel while they studying at college. For example, I had started my engineering college before try to find a work. After that I also took a job in engineering company. It was neither a good position nor high salary job but I really enhanced my ability and vision to coalesce mechanical parts during that days. Killing two birds with one stone gave me much more ability to focus on my subject.

Moreover, avoiding college life for one year could let you eschew more then one year. For example, my friend Jack eschewed his college for 1 year to accumulate more money for his trips to oversea countries. He hadn’t gathered all money before the end of the year. His obsession about travelling coasted him one more year to collect all money he need. Sometimes it can be take more then u think.

Suffice it to say, going travel or working before college education can cost an arm and a leg for you. Everybody who wants to stop his career should avoid that. We are the one of the most intelligent creatures in world and we can do many things at same time.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why is herring healthier for us than tuna?

[Luschen]

Hi, I think your writing is pretty good. Your introduction though was quite bad. Try to read some other high scoring essays on this site to get some good ideas on how to put together an introduction. Your structure was pretty good, but a little repetitive: Topic sentence, For example. You also had quite a few unclear sentences and some poor word choices. Expanding your vocabulary is great, but make sure you use the words correctly. Overall, I would rate this essay a 3 out of 5.

@Borg4

-Question
Do you agree or disagree? Every student should travel or work for a year before going to college.

The question is should every student travel or work for a year before going to college. Contrary to popular belief, they shouldn’t. I disagree with the question. {Do not directly refer to the question like this. Begin your essay with a general statement like “Many students take a year off to travel or work before beginning college.” Then you could give a potential benefit of this travel. Then you could say how most people think this is a good idea, but you disagree. Then continue with your thesis as below. }From my perspective, I believe that people that going[who] travel or work before college are wasting their time,{new sentence} they can also work and travel during the period of studying, and this could make[cause] people to eschew{this is not the correct word - “delay” would be better} colleges more th[a]n one year.

First, people will waste their one year before beginning to college. For example, one of my friends tried to enhance his work experience before deciding to go to college. Even though he worked so hard to find a good job but{don’t use both “Even though” and “but” in this sentence} result is [he] ended [up] in the kitchen of a restaurant. An employer doesn’t want unskilled workers anymore.

Furthermore, students can work or travel while they studying at college. For example, I had started my engineering college before try[ing] to find a work. After that I also took a job in [an] engineering company. It was neither a good position nor [a] high salary job but I really enhanced my ability and vision to coalesce mechanical parts{“coalesce mechanical parts” does not make sense to me} during that[those] days. Killing two birds {what were the “two birds” here? It is unclear to me} with one stone gave me much more ability to focus on my subject.

Moreover, avoiding college life for one year could let you eschew[cause you to postpone your education for] more then one year. For example, my friend Jack eschewed{the word is wrong, and you repeated it three times - even if the word was correct, try to use more variety} his college for 1 year to accumulate more money for his trips to oversea[s ] countries. He hadn’t gathered all [enough] money before[by] the end of the year. His obsession about travelling coasted[cost] him one more year to collect all money he need[ed]. Sometimes it can be take more then u [you]{this is a big no-no!} think.

Suffice it to say, going travel[ling] or working before college education can cost [you] an arm and a leg for you. Everybody who wants to stop his career should avoid that. {this sentence is unclear to me} We are the one of the most intelligent creatures in [the] world and we can do many things at same time.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why is herring healthier for us than tuna?

[Borg4]

thank you Luschen. Im getting confusing about this introduction but practice makes perfect right hopefully

[Luschen]

Hi, for an essay introduction, it is good to start out with a famous saying or proverb, or else a general statement about the topic. Then make a few more increasingly specific statements to go closer and closer to the prompt’s question. Then end the conclusion with a thesis statement that answers the prompt’s question and gives the reasons you will use to prove your statement.

Maybe:

It is said that the world is a book and those who do not travel read only a page. Many students today take this to heart. After working hard at high school they are ready to take a break from their education and travel the world or perhaps work a year to gain experience and make money for college. Despite these potential benefits, from my perspective, I believe that people who travel or work before college are wasting their time. They can also work and travel during their period of study and this could cause people to delay college more than one year.