My sixth essay, I will appreciate any suggestion and revise. Thanks very much

[Waltz]

This is my newest essay, I appreciate your help very much.

I hope this essay will not be too bad. {is it correct grammar? “will not be too bad”}

Personally, I prefer to write about technology and computer because I think I’m familiar with it. In addition, I plan to study in college of computing and digital media. However, before that come true, I have to pass Toefl ibt. So I have to practice in every subject but it is often that I don’t have much knowledge in some subject so I’m sorry if it come out to be awkward essay.

When people succeed in life, it is because of hard work. Being lucky has nothing to do with success in life." Do you agree or disagree with the quotation above? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your position.

Every people who have been successful in life had to meet many obstacles before succeeding their goal. Almost all people deny that being lucky has nothing to do with their success but how can they overcome the obstacle? Although there is no oppose against that someone being successful mainly comes from their will and attempt. But in fact, luck is also something very powerful to help them meet their ambition; It is something we called {should I add “as” at this point?} destiny and coincidence. Thus I disagree with the quotation.

First of all, we can easily see how luck get involve in our daily life; To illustrate this, we have something that we can’t control by will and attempt. For example, everybody can’t be sure that they will be the winner in lottery and bet. in this situation their will and effort are absolutely nothing to do with the success. Actually, everybody have often prayed for fortunate life and made a wish for better life. It gives them a hope which make them have more spirit to overcome obstacles.

Secondly, luck plays a major role in successful life, I can tell it is luck if you are the one who have born with full of 32 completed organs as well as if you have a good expression, additionally you also cannot choose your father and mother when you was born. From my experience, I have often faced in fortunate and unfortunate events; Sometime I found myself that I was extremely unlucky. For example, when everything was not going according to my plan despite I planned it very well but sometime it was opposite. Moreover, especially if you are in love or having a family, can you explain how much lucky was you when you was able to meet your lover. Consequently, you life change very much according to your luck; it can determine your fate. So how can you being success in life if luck turn against you.

In short, people have many things in their life which cannot be controlled by their diligence. But it much more depend on their luck. We cannot complete our goal without it, To be ridiculously honest, I am the one that have to pray for my luck to bring me the hope that this essay will be scored high; because it is also something that my afford has nothing to do with it after I finished. As you can see, luck plays major part of our success and exists everywhere.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation in a professor’s office between a professor and a student

[Luschen]

Hi, your essays are always very interesting to read. You have no problem coming up with reasons and examples to support your thesis. Your grammar on the other hand needs some work. Please review your verb conjugations for I, you, he she it, we, and they. You really shouldn’t be making mistakes like “you was” or “if luck turn against you”. These are pretty basic. Much of your writing is very good and you have great sentence structures, but these little errors just don’t reflect well on your essay. I would also disagree with your final example in your conclusion. The TOEFL grading (or maybe my grading) may seem completely random, but most of it actually is based on your effort and skill. Overall, I would rate this a 3.5 out of 5, but maybe you want to go double or nothing …

@Waltz

This is my newest essay, I appreciate your help very much.

I hope this essay will not be too bad. {is it correct grammar? “will not be too bad”} “Will not be too bad” sounds odd, because this essay has already been written. Say “I hope my last essay was not too bad. I hope this essay is not too bad. I hope my next essay will not be too bad.”

Personally, I prefer to write about technology and computer[s ] because I think I’m familiar with it. In addition, I plan to study in college of computing and digital media. However, before that come[s ] true, I have to pass Toefl ibt. So I have to practice in every subject but it is often that I don’t have much knowledge in some subject so I’m sorry if it come[turns] out to be [an]awkward essay.
{I hope you don’t mind me correcting you like this. I figure you appreciate knowing any errors you might be making}

When people succeed in life, it is because of hard work. Being lucky has nothing to do with success in life." Do you agree or disagree with the quotation above? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your position.

Every[All the] people who have been successful in life had to meet{“overcome” sounds better} many obstacles before succeeding their goal.{“succeeding at their goal” or better, “achieving their goal”} Almost all people deny that being lucky has nothing {be very careful with double negatives in English - does this mean “deny that being lucky has anything to do”? “denying … nothing” means they do think luck is important, but it still is a bit unclear} to do with their success but how can they overcome the obstacle? Although there is no oppos[ing argument] against [the fact] that someone being successful mainly comes from their will and attempt{“struggle” or “hard work” sounds better}. But in fact, luck is also something very powerful to help them meet their ambition; It is something we called {should I add “as” at this point?} {no, say “something we call destiny …” or “something we refer to as destiny …”} destiny and coincidence. Thus I disagree with the quotation.{restate the quotation or state exactly what you think, the essay should stand alone}

First of all, we can easily see how luck get[is] involve[d ] in our daily li[ves]; To{no caps, but I like your use of semicolons} illustrate this, we have[consider] something that we can’t control by will and attempt{once again, “attempt” sounds odd here - “effort” would be better}. For example, everybody can’t be sure that they will be the winner in [the] lottery and bet{what do you mean by “and bet” here? do you mean “and other games of chance” or “and thus should bet”?}. in this situation their will and effort are[have] absolutely nothing to do with the success. Actually, everybody ha[s ] often prayed for [a] fortunate life and made a wish for [a] better life. It gives them a hope which make[s ] them have more spirit to overcome obstacles.

Secondly, luck plays a major role in [a] successful life, I can tell it is luck if you are the one who have[was] born with [a] full [set] {or “complement” , which sounds fancier} of 32 completed organs as well as if you ha[ving] a good expression{"do you mean “handsome face”?},{semicolon or period} additionally{comma} you also cannot choose your father and mother when you w[ere] {this should be “could not … were” or “cannot … are”} born. From my experience, I have often faced in [both] fortunate and unfortunate events; Sometime[s ] I found myself that I was extremely unlucky. For example, when{using this when makes this an incomplete sentence} everything was not going according to my plan despite I planned it very well but sometime it was opposite. {this sentence is fairly clear, but sounds very awkward} Moreover, especially if you are in love or hav[e] a family, can you explain how much lucky was you[you were] when you was[were] able to meet your lover. {question mark}Consequently, you[r ] life change[s ] very much according to your luck; it can determine your fate. So how can you being success {“have success” or “be a success”} in life if luck turn[s ] against you.

In short, people have many things in their life which cannot be controlled by their diligence. But it much more depend[ant] on their luck. We cannot complete our goal without it, {period} To be ridiculously honest, I am the one that have[who has] to pray for my luck to bring me the hope that this essay will be scored high; because it is also something that my afford[effort] has nothing to do with it after I finished. As you can see, luck plays major part of our success and exists everywhere.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation in a professor’s office between a professor and a student